lostnchina

…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row

The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: The Whole Enchilada

Meg Ryan, during more facially-limber times.

From time to time, when I attend a friend’s wedding, or catch reruns of romantic comedies starring a younger Meg Ryan, who still had control over her facial movements, I get the warm fuzzies and fantasize about what it’s like to have a relationship with a nice, normal guy.  This propels me to socialize with men whom I would usually have no contact with, other than telling them while parked at a stoplight, that my windshields are very clean, and I don’t have any change, but thanks all the same.

Another fallout of the warm fuzzies is online dating.  Online dating is a voyeuristic way to meet people we may never want to come across in our normal daily lives.  How else would we learn that Iluv69 doesn’t own a stitch of clothing for his upper body, because all of his photos show him naked from the waist up, wrestling with what looks like a Lochness Monster of a fish in Alaska, making a pie from a few twigs and some poisonous-looking berries in the Amazonian rainforest, or tending to malaria victims in  sub-Saharan Africa?

Most online profiles come across as too-good-to-be-true and exaggerations abound.  The most common lies are about height, weight and age.  A fifty-year-old man posts a picture of himself from ten years ago and wonders why the twenty-five-year old woman he met online, who is now sitting across from him, looks more like she’s forty five and requires reading glasses when perusing the menu.

The Whole Enchilada: don’t forget to take your Beano.

Many profiles have a similar structure: the first part is usually a personal introduction.  Second section is about the type of person the profile author hopes to meet.  It’s also a known fact that most people, regardless of their shortcomings, prefer to meet a partner who’s intelligent, attractive, humorous, and talented – The Whole Enchilada.  As a result, the writer also tries to convey this in his/her writing, with varying degrees of success.

Whether you’re new to online dating or are a seasoned pro, my next few posts will guide you along the slippery downward slope of online dating.

These posts are designed to help you–

During the selection phase:

1.  Determine whether the profile author is bipolar, manic-depressive, depressed, without the mania, manic, without the depression, OCD, or just plain stupid.

2.  Wade through the boggy morass of men, who post pictures of themselves posing with yachts/sports cars/McMansions and find out if they are squatting in the mansions, have stolen the vehicles, or have suspended licenses due to a previous incident involving some pornographic movies and a goat.

3.  Not be turned off by sixty-year-old men with online screen names, such as AVeryOralRoberts and ThePleasuredomeGnome.

During the communication phase:

1.  Overcome your fears by initiating contact.  Independent, double-blind and double-blind date studies with a group of female orangutangs and a busload of Shriners on their way to the Vegas Strip irrefutably show that women who first make contact with men online will have as much success in landing the man of their dreams, as I will have in winning a game of golf against Tiger Woods with nothing but a walking stick and a jar of Vaseline.

2.  Determine your deal breakers.  This is something you will have hopefully figured out prior to going online, but meeting men online may trigger other deal breakers you may not have thought about previously.  I’m not just talking about something so straightforward as, I will not date a man who talks incessantly about his love for pork, when you are a practicing vegetarian.   I’m referring to those men who have watched Babe over thirty times and go through five boxes of Kleenex in the process.

3.  Know when the FYI becomes TMI.  Telling a potential beau that you have a two-year old daughter is fine.  Telling him that you had originally thought she was just some bad Mexican food you had at a taco stand after a weekend drug binge in Tijuana is not.

The first meeting:

1.  Decide where to meet, what to wear, who should pay, and what  self-defense weapons to leave at home.

Answers:

Where to meet?  Butch’s Gun Shop.

What to wear?  Something conservative, but seductive, like anti-embolism stockings in a fishnet pattern.

Who should pay?  Hopefully, not his wife.

What weapon to leave at home?  Your hand gun.  Butch’s has a wide selection of new and used hand guns at very reasonable prices and provides a free latte and wifi with every purchase.

Yes, it exists!  The next great date hotspot.

2.  Come up with topics of conversation for those awkward moments:

a/  How long has he been out of/how long will it take him to get to prison.

b/  Where the hell is that pervasive garbage smell coming from.

c/   How many Arbys are there within a five-mile radius of his house.

3.  Prepare yourself, if he:

a/  Starts sobbing uncontrollably on your shoulder, because you actually showed up and are really a woman.

b/  Keeps calling you, Mamma (fill in your name here).

c/  Frequently checks under the table to see (i) if you have a prosthetic leg; (ii) if your conversation’s being bugged; or, (iii) if you have kept your pants on (because he hasn’t).

Other Important Topics We’ll Touch On:

1.  How long should the initial date be?

Answer: As long as you can stand it, without suffering irreversible brain damage.  Usually between ten and thirty seconds.

2.  Should I sleep with him on the first date?

Answer: Only if you haven’t fallen asleep already.

3.  My date’s embarrassing me by laughing like a hyena, talking loudly about his past sexual conquests, and asking me for my measurements.  What should I do?

Answer: You have that stun gun in your purse – one of my “Ten Essentials for your First Sarcastic Date”.  If you don’t have that, the chair you’re sitting on will work just as well.

4.  Why is it that every guy I meet falls short of his great online profile?  What can I do about this?

Answer: Dunno the answer to that one, but you can write a sarcastic blog about online dating.

**If you want to learn more about Why Men Lie, head on over to my friend Karl’s OKCupcast at http://www.yrad.com/ok/#okc5, where I will be the experimental subject of a not-so-distant future podcast.**

Related:

The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Your Profile

Multi-Cultural & Very Experienced Sensual Man Seeks a Beautiful Asian Hone to Treat as His Princess

Why I’m Still Sarcastically Single Part One: Steak

A Lemon Peeler for My Love: A Gift-giving Guide for the Ex in Your Life

I’m Not Your Amway-Hooker

Super Susan Speed Dating

How to Succeed in Landing the Chinese Man of Your Nightmares

39 comments on “The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: The Whole Enchilada

  1. Pingback: The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Your Profile Picture | lostnchina

  2. girlseule
    July 5, 2013

    “Online dating is a voyeuristic way to meet people we may never want to come across in our normal daily lives. ” Three years and around 30 first dates and online dating has led me to many people I would not want to come across in my normal life!!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 6, 2013

      I can’t count how many times I’ve returned from a date and asked myself – am I the only normal person left on this planet?! Nice to know I’m not the only one who feels that way.

      Like

  3. Pingback: The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Your Profile | lostnchina

  4. Esenga' s Voice
    September 24, 2012

    “Wade through the boggy morass of men, who post pictures of themselves posing with yachts/sports cars/McMansions and find out if they are squatting in the mansions, have stolen the vehicles, or have suspended licenses due to a previous incident involving some pornographic movies and a goat” – or all of mentioned as it’ s also a possibility. 😀 😀 😀

    Like

    • lostnchina
      September 25, 2012

      You’re absolutely right. This is where the term ‘multi-talented’ would become applicable here 🙂

      Like

  5. Pingback: A Man’s Secrets to Successful Online Dating | Proven Dating Secrets

  6. keiththegreen
    September 10, 2012

    I take it you have to wear rose colored reading glasses when perusing these sites? 😛

    Like

    • lostnchina
      September 10, 2012

      Looking at too many online dating profiles gives you the added benefit of becoming cross-eyed, so subsequent profiles don’t seem so bad.

      Like

  7. Pingback: Multi-cultural & Very Experienced Sensual Man Seeks a Beautiful Asian Honey to Treat as His Princess « lostnchina

  8. bronxboy55
    September 7, 2012

    Every once in a great while, the single life can seem somewhat appealing to a married person. I may print out this post and tape it to the wall next to my desk, in anticipation of just such moments.

    Great work, as always, Susan.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      September 8, 2012

      If my sarcastic dating life keeps just one married person from flinging himself/herself into the brick wall of online dating, then it would be all worthwhile. Thanks for stopping by, Charles.

      Like

  9. J-Bo
    September 7, 2012

    Hey! Enjoying your blog and linked you on my latest post if you’d like to check it out.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      September 8, 2012

      Thanks, JBo. You’re pretty hilarious too. I’m now following.

      Like

  10. Pingback: A Bundle of Nerves Named Lee « notsosmitten

  11. thescottyblogs
    August 29, 2012

    Very good… Some funny stuff in there for sure… I just finished a post about online dating as well. Kinda cruising around looking for similar posts… I’m not trying to spam your blog or anything but you may enjoy:

    http://thescottyblogs.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/online-dating/

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 30, 2012

      How ironic, but your comment WAS moved to Spam, and I’ve just found it…ah, gotta love Akismet.

      Interesting take on online dating from a guy’s point of view. 95%+ of my regular readers are women (except for one lone male soul who everyone suspects might be a woman. I think it’s because he’s a good-natured Brit). So, my posts will tend towards male BASHING rather than WORSHIP.

      Like

      • thescottyblogs
        August 30, 2012

        Well it caught my attention and it kept my attention the whole way through. I appreciate you taking time to visit my post as well. Most of us deserve a good “BASHING” for sure.

        Like

  12. briebennett
    August 29, 2012

    Hahaha! Really makes you long for the days of plain and simple mail order brides. To be fair, I don’t think any guy can live up to our expectations based on his profile because there are always blanks we have to fill in, and we will always fill them in optimistically (overly so). It’s hard not to be more critical than you would be of a guy you met in the context of your everyday life (in my experience anyway!).

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 29, 2012

      You do have a point there. Aim for the best, but prepare for the worst, eh?

      Like

      • briebennett
        August 30, 2012

        Yep, or maybe have your friends pick out dates for you so that you arrive completely free of expectations!

        Like

  13. aliceatwonderland
    August 29, 2012

    AVeryOralRoberts? Oh, ewww. That’s hilarious. I did a blog entry on job interviews in a similar vein. Come to think of it, interviewing for a job and dating are pretty similar. Both are frustrating, scary, and usually you end up with nothing but wasted time. Great post.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 29, 2012

      Thanks for stopping by. Job interviews and dating ARE pretty similar, come to think of it. I’ll have to check out that post sometime 😉

      Like

  14. Pigeon Heart
    August 29, 2012

    Ah! Hilarious and terrifying. Man shopping- greaaaat.

    Like

  15. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins
    August 29, 2012

    This is really really good had to reblog and retweet. It’s always nice to read your posts and hearing from you

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 29, 2012

      Thx for the RT-Reblog! You could say I was *inspired* in this post 😉

      Like

  16. mrmarymuthafuckingpoppins
    August 29, 2012

    Reblogged this on A Spoonful of Suga and commented:
    The definitive Guide to online Dating by the delectable Suzanita

    Like

  17. Lauren
    August 28, 2012

    Other people have the fantasy about nice normal guys too? Awesome post!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 28, 2012

      ha! Well, I guess just you and me fantasize about normal men, Lauren. Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  18. gingerfightback
    August 28, 2012

    Brilliant – we are not really like that are we?

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 28, 2012

      Errr…perhaps you should save your question till next week, when I post an actual online profile from someone who describes himself as a man.

      Like

  19. Edna
    August 28, 2012

    Agreed. I can’t even begin to choose which part was my favorite.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 28, 2012

      Thanks, Edna! Are you still recovering from the Olympics?

      Like

      • Edna
        August 29, 2012

        Haha yes, I’m gearing up for the next event now!

        Like

  20. becomingcliche
    August 28, 2012

    Your posts just get better and better.

    Like

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This entry was posted on August 28, 2012 by in Dating, Humor and tagged , , , , .
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