…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row
First off, thank you for looking at my profile from the bottom of my heart. But in order to make sure that only the most qualified of you are chosen, some of you must be eliminated. So, if you fall into any one of these categories, please don’t bother writing to me. I’ve many more things to do in my day than to write to people telling them they didn’t make the cut.
Those of you who do not fall within these categories, congratulations! I’d love to hear from you!! However, I will not respond to WINKS, NUDGES, or Instant Messaging. All letters sent to me must be double spaced and at least 100 words in length. I won’t respond to a profile without a picture, nor a “form letter” email. I’ve taken the time to explain very clearly what kind of person I am and what kind of woman I’m looking for. I ask that you do at least this much.
Please don’t write to me, if
… you are overweight, according to the standard BMI index – although I will account for heavier bone density, or people who work out a lot and have more muscle mass. Nothing turns me off more than a woman is untoned and looks like a bag of half-melted marshmallows that’s been sitting out in the sun too long.
… you have the following pets: cats, dogs, iguanas, mice or rats (although chinchillas are OK), snakes over 10″ in length, fish, any animal, which is orange, birds, which are not in the parrot family (ie. Finches, canaries, ducks, starlings, mynah birds, etc.)
… you are NOT Filipinos, Chinese, Latino, Trinidadian. I STRONGLY PREFER INDIAN WOMEN, BUT YOU MUST LIVE IN INDIA. If not, you can live in the US but must have your own Green Card or citizenship, WHICH IS NOT EXPIRED.
… your name begins with the letters T, N, or X. For example, Trixie, Nancy, Xanadu. Your last name does not contain this restriction. If your last name is your surname, then it is the second name that cannot have these letters.
… your birthday cannot fall between the follow days: January 12 to 26, March 1 to 17, September 26-31, the entire month of December.
… you like CRAPPY MUSIC, such as U2, Eric Clapton, the Rolling Stones, or any other kind of country music.
… you have ingrown toenails, Cirrhosis, thinning hair, underbites, club foot (feet).
Who Am I?
I am an educated, intelligent, able-bodied, double-jointed and sensuous man of Hungarian-Spanish and Japanese descent on my dad’s side, and Irish-Apache (like the helicopter) on my mom’s side. I will be the first man you’ll wake up to in the morning and the last man you’ll see before closing your eyes at night. When I date a woman, she will know it, not just because I always pay for your meals (provided they are under $5, because I am not looking for freeloaders), but I will treat her like a Queen Elizabeth, even though she’ll be closer in age to a Princess Diana at the time of her death. And I will be her Prince, but will really feel like a King. Anyway, you will be glad for knowing me….
I know this profile is long, but I have tried to be as specific as possible about my criteria, and if you are as serious about me as you are about a heart attack, which you should be, because it occurs in 1.2 million people in the United States every year (http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/heartattack/), then you will take the time to read my profile, plus the five poems and the ten journal entries, as well as a video of me playing Don Ho’s Tiny Bubbles with the ukelele during open mic night at Big Bob’s Bollywood Bar. For that performance, I won free steak fries for a month, but as Big Bob’s closed down two weeks after open mic night, they never fully honored the award. So, now I’m suing Big Bob’s for breach of contract. Although I might not get the award of steak fries, I know I’m helping those other men and women, who might also be mistreated by the System, which tramples on us “underdogs”.
* * *NEWSFLASH * * *
My offer to donate one of my kidneys to save my beautiful Chinese friend’s life – up in Spuzzum, B.C. She’s at 10% kidney function now, is at death’s door, and can’t wait for a donor. I’ve had several tests done and so far I am a match. Please pray that I will pass the other tests as well. If I am able to donate my kidney to her, then I cannot date for a week-and-a-half during the month of October, as that’s when the surgery will be taking place and I need time to recover.
Please know that I’m 100% normal. I want to do my duty as a decent human being to help those who are in need of achieving proper bodily fluid excretion and regulation.
This is one of the reasons why I’m such a kind, angelic and charitable soul.
I’m really good at:
… many artistical things, like singing, dancing, writing, playing my ukelele, loving YOU, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. LOVE in all its forms with everything living in me and beyond my own strength to love. I love being in Love and I do It very well and It’s very healthy. I’m also a very Deep Man; my depth is too huge for anyone on this earth to fathom. As a result, I often feel very isolated in my profundity.
Favorite books, music, and movies:
THE BIG PICTURE BOOK of **LOVE** (I WROTE IT! NO, REALLY – I REALLY DID!!!)
MOVIES – Dances with Wolves. My Apache side really connects with Kevon Costner’s character, especially during the dance scenes by the bonfire, because I love to dance.
MUSIC – I only listen to the GOOD STUFF, such as The Beach Boys, Air Supply, Olivia Newton-John, Don Ho, 38 Special, Milli Vanelli, Vanilla Ice (Ice, Ice, Babay, YEAH!), Lionel Ritchie, The Go-Gos, Englebert HumperDUNK (I call him HumperDUNK cuz he slams dunks it every time he sings!), Justin Bieber, New Edition, just to name a few….
A few random facts about me:
1. My nickname in high school was “Dribbles”.
2. I once went on a juice fast diet, so I’d know how the Great Ghandi felt, right before he died from starvation.
3. I’m the Western Region Representative for the Milli Vanili Fan Club. This is not a paying job, but keeping the guys’ name out in the public for future generations is something I feel very strongly about.
4. My favorite food is Chinese – REAL Chinese food – not the crap that has soy sauce and is stir fried.
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
The end of the world, the events that will take place on that day, and about those who are ready and those who are not and/or don’t care.
What happens when you die…is it just darkness or like a kind of deep sleep, where you don’t feel or know anything, or you are conscious, but can’t wake up? Is it like being placed alive in a coffin unconscious, and then you wake up, consciously? I hope I don’t die, only to wake up consciously.
You should message me if you REALLY KNOW WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT!
A…if you only want to see a guy to have sex once in a while on short notice – this is called A BOOTY CALL!! THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR!!!
B…if you just want to see a guy for a few drinks and dinner, maybe do some date-type things but don’t want the relationship to go anywhere – this is called SHORT TERM/CASUAL DATING!! THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR!!!
C…if you say you want a long-term relationship, but you don’t take his calls and when you do answer his calls you can’t talk for a very long time, or there are male voices laughing in the background and you won’t say who they are, or you are always busy and can only date on YOUR TIME, and when we finally DO get together you keep receiving and sending text messages on your cell phone, but won’t tell me who they’re from and why you have to leave for half an hour at 2 in the morning to see “John”…and ALL of your male friends are named JOHN….
!!!JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT!!!
If you are looking for a top-notch, EXCEPTIONAL, quality, upstanding, intelligent, confident, trusting and trustworthy, talented, rhythmic, HUMBLE man, look no further.
* * * MY SCORPIO COMPATIBILITY * * *
I don’t believe in astrology – it’s all a bunch of hocus pocus – but here are my compatible signs
GREAT MATCHES (Courtesy horoscope.com):
Symbol: The Fish
Favorable Colors: Sea-Green
Chinese Counterpart: Rabbit
Ruling Planet: Neptune, Jupiter
House Ruled: Twelfth
Opposite Sign: Virgo
Lucky Gem: Moon Stone
Period: Feb 19 – Mar 20
On or near water, especially the sea. The movie theater.
Symbol: The Crab
Favorable Colors: White, Silver
Chinese Counterpart: Goat
Ruling Planet: Moon
House Ruled: Fourth
Opposite Sign: Capricorn
Lucky Gem: Pearls
Period: Jun 21 – Jul 22
Cancer will always be most comfortable at home, close to family, familiar things, and dear friends.
Following please find three poems, which I penned and which I hope you’ll enjoy reading. Feel free to pass them onto your friends. They will reveal my Big Heart, Depth, and Compassion for the Human Race, of which we are all a part of, whether we want to be or not.
My Mesmerizing Smile
I first saw you at the bar,
where you were putting the iodine on the scar,
which was your heart.
You reacted to my mesmerizing smile,
and didn’t run away from me by a mile.
I knew right then and there, though you came out of nowhere,
we were meant to be together
And although you were scared,
that you’d be ensnared
by yet another romance that was going to be despaired,
I held onto you tight with all my might.
When the bouncer came up to us,
I knew he’d give me trouble and I’d never catch the last bus
The restraining order was superfluous.
It was just a speed bump on the road to the eventual “US”.
Just take a gander into my mesmerizing eyes
and you’ll know that I’m incapable of lies.
Coupled with my mesmerizing smile,
how could you be so vile
as to call the cops on me?
The Body of a God
The Body of a God,
the kind that will make a broad
turn her head and look at me a bit longer.
That’s the body that I have.
I’ve worked hard to get stronger
and leaner and longer
and harder, if you know what I mean.
Even if you don’t know what I mean,
I’ll be very keen
on getting to know you a bit better.
Because I’m HUMBLE.
I may be a go getter,
but certainly not a bed wetter,
as I have a very strong bladder.
It runs in the family.
The Body of a God I have through and through,
if you could only experience it first hand, if you only knew….
how much this body could benefit YOU.
Breaking Up is as hard as the frozen chicken wings, which will not thaw in the vicinity of the cold stillness of your heart.
If I could find a way to warm up your heart again, I would,
but the temperature regulator to the oven of your heart is broken, and the last time you called the repairman
he ended up staying the night.
And yet…he failed to repair your shattered heart oven….
So, I must bid you a hasty adieu and leave this chicken we bought together that sunny August afternoon at the local Safeway for $0.50/lb,
as it was two days past expiration.
Because I must save my own heart for the next lady who should steal mine – a woman who appreciates a man who eats red meat and not just white;
a man whom she will fall for – in other words, love at first sight.
And I see this woman now, placing a ticket onto my car’s windshield, as I parked in a three-minute zone,
and now it is ten minutes past.
I must act fast,
if I’m to capture this woman’s
The above online profile is based on a REAL profile of a REAL human being from the planet earth. The original profile is over 5000 words long and has three albums of pictures, with one album full of pictures, which could only be appreciated by someone who’s hallucinating.
I’ve used no more than ten sentences directly from the original profile, as that’s copyrighted.
And in case you’re wondering:
1. YES – this man did send me an email so vulgar that I wanted to report him. But after reading his profile – which he updates with news of his kidney transplant and what woman he harassed that day – I decided to anonymously follow him instead.
2. YES – this man and I DO have something in common: we both write terrible poetry.
3. YES- this man stated WIDOWED as his marital status. We won’t speculate on the circumstances proceeding the status, but this is the main reason why I could not show you the original profile: I don’t want him to hunt me down and harvest my internal organs for a pretty necklace he’s making.
4. Again, YES – THIS IS A REAL PERSON, who wrote his REAL name on the bottom of his three poems for copyright reasons. After Googling the name, I found that in 2005, this man was featured in the local newspaper in a piece about food stamps. In the piece, he was featured as someone who frequented the food bank and only recently found work as a fifteen-hour-a-week janitor.
So, Ladies – be careful out there in the cyberdating world.
The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: The Whole Enchilada
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Susan, you put more effort and brilliance into one post than most bloggers could manage in ten. I loved the whole thing, but especially: “many artistical things” and “my depth is too huge for anyone on this earth to fathom.”
Thanks, Charles. For some reason (which we won’t go into), I find it much easier to write like a crazy person who is unintentionally funny, than to write like a normal person who is humorous (the way you do). And that line, “my depth is too huge for anyone on this earth to fathom”, is paraphrased from an actual line from the guy’s profile.
Pingback: The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: The Whole Enchilada « lostnchina
Hey, I’ll give him an E for ‘effort’…guess you gotta try. Delighted that you found this little treasure of a freak in the cyberdating world…and that you shared his many wonderful qualities with us. If this is what the man market has to offer, I’ll repeat my question…sure you wouldn’t rather marry me, Sue? LOL ;D My poetry’s probably a little better, and I’m a selfish kidney owner.
You do flatter me, Nat – a marriage proposal from a real poet who has over 1500 followers! (But I probably need a liver instead of a kidney at the rate I’ve been having the wine this summer. However, judging from your posts, I don’t think you have much of a liver to spare, either 😉
*sigh* No, and my lungs aren’t too flash either, but we could have adjacent beds in intensive care? Oh, well, keep looking “Climb every mountain, ford every seeeaaaa…”
I love your sense of humour. And yes, you definitely know how to make people(me!) laugh 🙂
Thanks for stopping by…nice legs, btw 😉
They’d do well as your profile picture online.
Thank you! I was not sure about other…vital body parts so went with the safest one – legs. 😀
You know, Susan, I think that guy stole his “poems” from Billy Joel. He probably broke into Billy’s Hamptons manse and pilfered the contents of his piano bench. Read them aloud in 3/4 time and you’ve got the next chart topper.
That is one deep well of crazy. Very funny post.
Are you still on the Billy Joel thing? Actually, I’m surprised he didn’t list Billy Joel as one of the artists he “loves” (which means Billy is one we should all roll our eyes over). But even I couldn’t bring Billy’s name up alongside Englebert Humperdunk. I’m no Billy Joel fan, but that just wouldn’t be right.
I laughed along with you, thinking “the woman exaggerates for comic effect. Clever.” After the line of question marks, I spoke emphatically aloud! Very nice storytelling, gf!
…and this guy contacted you after actually reading *your* profile?! Or do you think he uses sophisticated facial recognition software to cherry-pick female Asian faces, and then sends obscene form letters?
GF, thanks for reading. Aren’t you supposed to be way out in the wilderness someplace? How can you get wifi? Man is crazy, probably sent an email to every woman on the site. Kudos to him that he did customize every email for every woman (apparently, he had the time).
Really, I did not exaggerate much. (1) He has a crazy list of criteria, which includes names starting with letter “”; (2) he IS donating his kidney; (3) he emphatically stated he wrote the “Book of Love” (it is a double volume, bound with “The Book of Insanity”, apparently); (4) he did state he only wants women with a Green Card if in the US, but prefers them in their home countries; (5) he put down his horoscope after saying he doesn’t believe in them; and, (6) he had a diatribe of the different kind of relationships, except he broke them down to 6 categories and later took that section off, because I guess all that negative energy wasn’t good for the kidney he’s giving away. 🙂
I’m not sure if you’ve seen the movie ‘Borat’, but that’s what I imagined this guy looking and sounding like when I read this. Very impressive.
The bottom of the barrel…the bottom of the barrel….
I am inspired by him to write my own poem.
Oh, little bitty kitty.
I find you nifty and swift.
But only we can know our secret.
That cats are really neat. Oh and clean.
Ah! A lady of few words! Great profile, of course! 🙂
Thanks for the compliment! Of course, it’s a GREAT PROFILE, for someone who DOES NOT want to date women 🙂
Ah, a lady of few words! Always a pleasure to be with, such sweethearts! Great profile, of course!
You are SO funnny!!! I loved this!
Thanks for stopping by, Carey!
I thought those were hilarious poems that you penned up yourself for a good laugh. When it was revealed these were serious poems written by that guy , I got very , very scared . WOW!
These ARE poems that I wrote mocking the poetry that the guy wrote. His poetry is just as bad and as funny, without meaning to be funny. Thanks for stopping by!
Oops , I misunderstand that! Thought you took those directly from his profile. In that case , awesome work! I was cracking up.
Thank you! BTW, I love some of the pictures you have up on your blog. Even though I’ve been in China 8 years I’ve yet to visit Beijing?! Three false alarms, though. Looking at your blog, my next post will have to be about China….
I used to live in Tianjin so Beijing was a nice 30 minute train ride away. Took longer to get from my school to the train station than from city to city! There are some cool things there though for sure. One of these days you’ll make it! Glad you like the pictures , I try to keep posting more and more so come back sometime ! I’ll be waiting to read your next China post. You are one hilarious writer! 🙂
Better than confined inexperienced frigid man seeking hideous Asian acid to treat him like a king.
Is this how you write your online profile, Elmer? I must take note of this.
I didn’t think Chinese women write like this.:-) No offense. I’m Chinese.
I’m not quite sure what you mean by what Chinese women should write – although this particular post is written in the same style of a crazy Caucasian male who has an online profile. But I must say, it was liberating to write like a crazy person…especially the crappy poetry.
I think I’m just jealous!:-)
I would almost give up my pet snakes to date a guy who plays “Tiny Bubbles” and donates his kidneys. Sounds like he was once also a brain donor.
I think he should donate his so-called brain to science.
I’ve been looking forward to this – it is brilliant, sick, frightening and hilarious. All of these men must be tagged ASAP!
Tranquilized. Don’t forget tranquilized.
Hi Susan: I would like to say this was a funny as your usual columns, but of course it is not. It is creepy, and scary. I enjoyed (?) it, but holy crap!
Yes, the guy’s pretty creepy. But at least in this case, we can see the creepiness. Imagine the ones who have a normal profile, but are just as crazy as this guy.
You have got to be kidding me. To quote Community: “That was offensive to the definition of rhyme scheme.”
Nice, Edna! 🙂