lostnchina

…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row

I’m Not Your Amway-Hooker, Travel-Sexcort, Chinabride, Mother-May-I, Ex-Girlfriend-Stand-In: A Scientific Analysis of Susan’s Dating History

Some of you may be saddened to learn that I’ve broken up with the guy mentioned in Why I’m Still Sarcastically Single Part One: Steak.  The relationship lasted a bit longer than it took for you to walk your dog around the block and pick up his poo in a plastic bag, but it’s taken me longer to realize that we had really ended the relationship over my refusal to be his Travel Sexcort.

(Key) Grip Guy – this is his profession, and I refer to all of my exes by a nickname, so I can remember their *essence* – said he liked to travel and had a ton of mileage points to go someplace warm. He thought about someplace warm so often that he had Palm Springs (California) weather on his iPhone and consulted it whenever the temperature in Seattle dropped below 40F.  We’d exchange travel information: I gave him links to Conde Nast’s Top Ten Resorts and he’d tell me the weather conditions in Hawaii.  Sometimes he’d call me up: Hey, Susan!  If we leave next Tuesday for Palm Springs and return on Sunday, it’ll be in the 70s, and there’s only a 30% chance of rain.

During our relationship, I had traveled from Seattle to Taipei to Hong Kong to Mainland China to Hong Kong to Taipei to Vancouver to Seattle, while Grip Guy had traveled – in his mind – to Palm Springs, Maui, Florida, Mexico, the Caribbean, and possibly Thailand or the Philippines via Maldives, and Indonesia.  But we had never traveled anywhere together, unless you count the times we scoured the aisles of Asian grocery stores in Seattle looking for coconut water and finding instead wax gourd drink.

After the relationship ended we remained friends, but Grip Guy continued to pester me about going someplace warm, though I told him it wasn’t appropriate now that we were just friends.  But he didn’t want to go by himself: he had tried it once and hated it.

It’s not like I’d travel with just anyone, Grip Guy said.  This was his idea of a compliment.

What, you think I’d try something?  You have a pretty high opinion of yourself, don’t you, Missy?  This was Grip Guy’s way of reassuring me that there would be no funny stuff, should I go on a trip with him.

At the end of March I was supposed to go to Peru for work and had jokingly said he should consider going, knowing that a man who couldn’t bring himself to try a wax gourd drink would never get his ass on a plane and fly to a country that even I had some reservations about visiting.

After researching Peru, Grip Guy emailed me and rejected the idea: March was the rainiest month.  Tickets were much more expensive than for Palm Springs.  The elevation gain of Macchu Picchu was worrisome.  And diarrhea, baby.  Diarrhea.

I emailed back and teasingly said that I had never expected him to take me up on my offer.  If he couldn’t go to Palm Springs, which was less than two hours away from Seattle – Peru wasn’t going to happen.  If he wanted to go someplace that badly, he should just GO, instead of torturing himself and whining about it.  But wherever he was going, I wasn’t going with.  Besides, Palm Springs seems kind of boring.  Why go there when he had the time and money to go some place new and different?

Ladies and gentlemen – I never saw Grip Guy again.

Two days before leaving Seattle for China, I was supposed to get together with him.  When I texted him, he replied that he didn’t want to get together, based on that email I sent him over a week ago.  When I texted back, saying it was a low blow to tell me so late; I couldn’t make other plans – he wrote back, Well, well, well…look who’s whiny now?

From this anecdote and the title of this post, you probably think that I’ll now launch into a 6000-word male-bashing rant.  But one thing that living in China has taught me is to maintain impartiality and a level head, while under great stress and frustration.  Therefore, I’m presenting my dating history in a series of fact-filled charts and graphs, from which you can form your own conclusions.  (Clicking on the chart below will enlarge it in another window):

Exhibit 1: Susan’s Most Notable Dates

In Exhibit 1, I have chosen five men representative of my dating history.  I’ve included only the most relevant information, such as What Went Wrong, The Nail in the Coffin, and Where is He Now?  And instead of using a point-form rating system, which may be confusing for some, I’ve listed a Comparable Experience, which everyone can hopefully relate to.

For those of you who may be more visual, I have also taken the data and formed a Relationship Flow Chart, detailing the external factors that contributed to the demise of our relationships:

Exhibit 2: Susan’s Most Notable Dates (Relationship Flow Chart)

Here are some more facts:

Amway is notable, in that he was the first guy I dated in Seattle and my introduction to Amway.  He never told me he sold Amway products till the fake housewarming.  (He also failed to mention he lived with his parents.)  His bed was two twin beds joined together by a plastic thingy in the middle, and he complained frequently of back pain.  There were no car mats in his car.  It rains a lot in Seattle.  His passengers had to ride with their feet on a plastic shopping bag or their shoes in their laps.

Pineapple, a Japanese American from Hawaii, had a very tenacious ex-girlfriend, who prevented him from successfully dating other women.  Despite this, Pineapple refused to get a restraining order against his ex, so she would frequently drop in on him while he was hanging out with his buddies at the bar, or on a date, or attending a friend’s wedding in another State.  After her driver’s license was revoked, the ex would stalk Pineapple by bus while he was driving, then leave him angry voice messages, when he veered off the bus route. They are now married and participate in marathons, but I think his ex-girlfriend- now wife – is really running after Pineapple.  (Note: The last part of the previous sentence was my opinion and should not be viewed as fact.)

I’m embarrassed that I can’t remember ????’s name, even though he is the most memorable guy I have ever met.

???? had graduated at the top of his class from the top schools in Taiwan and worked as an engineer in a multinational company.  But this is where he stops sounding human, because during the three times I went out with him, ???? did not speak a total 15 words to me.  And whenever I asked him a question, such as, How are you doing today?  he would think about it till it was time for me to go home.

Fact: We once had a “telephone conversation” for 40 minutes.  I asked him, How are you doing today? then put the receiver down next to the radio, washed and deep conditioned my hair, and read an article in a magazine.  When I returned, ???? was still on the phone, mulling over the answer to my question.

Fact: On our last date, we went to a coffee shop, which served Cafe Mocha with whipped cream and multi-colored confetti sprinkles.  ???? did not like whipping cream nor confetti sprinkles, but ordered a Mocha anyway.  When the Mocha came, ???? removed all of the whipping cream from the Mocha, removed the confetti one by one with a spoon, took one sip of his Mocha, then pushed it towards me and said, I don’t like it.  You can have it.  I yelled, Who the hell do you think I am?  Your goddamn Mother?

Fact: My Dad, who had never met ???? before, bet me that ???? really wasn’t so bad.  To prove Dad wrong, I told ???? to meet me in front of a busy movie theater, and my Dad would be 10 feet away, witnessing our meeting.  As ???? approached, my secret signal was to tug at my earlobe, so that Dad would know he was the guy.  After furiously tugging at my ears for several minutes, ???? asked me if my ears were OK.  When I looked at my Dad, he was laughing hysterically.

I won the bet, but at what cost?

You may laugh at all of this, but faced with such epic dating failures, I can only look to myself for the cause.  There must be something in me that’s attracting these men.  In order to find a pattern, I’ve tried to come up with some possible reasons, assigned them with numerical values and plotted them on a line graph:

Exhibit 3: Possible Reasons for Dating the Five Notable Men

Exhibit 3 clearly shows that a solution to my dating problem may be as simple as getting cable.  However, the above graph does not give any indication as to what type of man I should date, or will eventually end up with.  Therefore, based on Euclid’s algorithm for the greatest common divisor of two numbers, I’ve developed an algorithm to determine my potential mate.  Please refer to Exhibit 4: Susan’s Algorithm for Determining a Potential Mate.

Exhibit 4: Susan’s Algorithm for Determining a Potential Mate

After testing this algorithm several times using other men I’ve dated as variables – Starbucks Guy, Sushisamba, Fugly Guy, and Space Elevator – I come up with the same result – a Donald Trump Cabbage Patch Kid.  I suppose it could be worse.  I mean, it could be the real thing.

My knight in shining armor

Related Posts:

Why I’m Still Sarcastically Single: Steak

How to Succeed at Landing the Chinese Man of Your Nightmares

The Time I Wrote a Love Letter to Myself

Super Susan Speed Dating

43 comments on “I’m Not Your Amway-Hooker, Travel-Sexcort, Chinabride, Mother-May-I, Ex-Girlfriend-Stand-In: A Scientific Analysis of Susan’s Dating History

  1. aliceatwonderland
    August 29, 2012

    I love all the charts and graphs. Hilarious!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 30, 2012

      Thank you! It’s about time somebody tried to quantify all this nonsense.

      Like

  2. Pingback: The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: The Whole Enchilada « lostnchina

  3. thecontradictoryoptimist
    July 25, 2012

    The charts are just WOW!

    Like

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  11. breezyk
    April 25, 2012

    haha: “His bed was two twin beds joined together by a plastic thingy in the middle, and he complained frequently of back pain”
    I know the type

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 25, 2012

      I feel for you, sister. The two twin beds joined by a plastic thingy is so yesterday. Onward and upward to mattresses that inflate with a foot pump! Sighh….

      Like

  12. Pingback: Emily, The Awkward Turtle 2: Never Set Emily Up With Anyone « groundingmyroots

  13. Emily He
    April 19, 2012

    Susan, I’m sure I’ve told you this before, but you just kill me. You and your dad. Also, what program do you use to make all those awesome charts? Exhibit 2? I was so impressed.

    Now I’m gonna go write about the night someone tried to set me up with a Taiwanese guy. I’ll tell ya now: ugh.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 19, 2012

      HI Emily, I just used good ole Powerpoint. I’m no graphics person, that’s for sure.

      I’d love to read about your Taiwanese guy incident. The other day my Dad said there’s this government sponsored speed dating event in Taipei, where single men and women all get on a bus and go someplace, play a few Chinese dating games and hopefully make a love connection. My Dad was thinking, “Now, I’ll finally get Susan married.” and I was thinking, “WOW! What great material for blogging!!”

      Like

      • Emily He
        April 19, 2012

        I wonder what these Chinese dating games consist of…and where that bus takes people…and just what kind of love connection they think they’re going to make, and if the government provides free room service. If the government has to sponsor speed dating events, what does that say about its people?

        Like

  14. Lin
    April 18, 2012

    Susan, I finally access to your blog in China. I love reading them.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 18, 2012

      Hey Lin! I’m so glad you manage to get on here. And I didn’t know you have a blog as well. That would be a good way to catch up what you’re doing. There are also many expats working in China who blog. You’ll probably see them by and by.

      Like

  15. WSW
    April 18, 2012

    Susan, you make my day. Remember, even though the dating thing may not be working out as well as you might like, at least you don’t have in-laws.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 18, 2012

      Ahhh, Wendie…always looking to the silver lining. But I suppose you’re right… I mean, I could be *married* to one of these guys. (Boy, can you imagine what I would be blogging about everyday?)

      Like

      • WSW
        April 18, 2012

        You wouldn’t have been married long before some residential treatment was in order — people seldom are. Residing at Betty Ford is actually very conducive to creativity. Or so I have heard.

        Like

  16. johnnyslick
    April 17, 2012

    This blog post was awesome and hilariously awesome. Thank you for that.

    Like

  17. smallestforest
    April 16, 2012

    Real craftmanship, this post, I look forward to everything you write, it’s always pure gold.
    And I don’t know what’s with the list of weirdos, you’re irresistible to me (though I am mostly straight). Euclid? Lie down, you hot bitch! LOL You are a remarkable person, so you can expect a hard time finding an equal, your match wouldn’t be the sort you can get at the five-and-dime.
    Wax gourd makes really great candy. We cook it in sugar and dry it out and it tastes like…sugar! It’s awesome. 😉

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 16, 2012

      Thank you for your very kind comments. You’re very sweet.

      I’ve now taken dating to a social experiment level, where I’m not expecting it to go anywhere, except provide more fodder for my blog.

      I also think the Donald Trump Cabbage Patch doll is quite cute, wouldn’t you agree? “It” may be the *one*!

      Like

      • smallestforest
        April 16, 2012

        LOL Okay, not sure sweet’s my descriptive, but I’ll wear it with courage. 🙂
        Sure you weren’t doing that in the first place? (Dating weird men for the humor material it provides…writers are treacherous creatures, we mine life for material, it’s a mercenary art) Your chart reads like the cast for the Munsters. For the greater glory of your blog, I am delighted that you have decided to treat the men in your life like lab rats.
        I agree that the DTCP kid is cute, and may possibly possess more of its own hair than the real article. I wish the two of you harmony and lots of little cabbages (brussels sprouts). XX

        Like

  18. bronxboy55
    April 16, 2012

    You’re one of the hardest-working bloggers I’ve ever met. You must have spent days on this post, but the results are worth it. I especially loved the part about ????: “I asked him, How are you doing today? then put the receiver down next to the radio, washed and deep conditioned my hair, and read an article in a magazine.”

    Great work, Susan.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 16, 2012

      Hi Charles:

      Thanks for stopping by. Actually, I was very *inspired* for this particular post and creating nonesensical graphs and charts are always much more fun than what you do, which is to sit down and put a bunch of words together. But now I have severe writer’s block and have no idea what to write – maybe a post about putting on underwear and pants at the same time?

      Like

  19. Chow Main!
    April 16, 2012

    Hey Lost In China, how about rounding out this story with Starbucks, Space Elevator, etc. And me!! I think Pete and Kevon also provide a good deal of material.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 16, 2012

      You are lucky you’re not in Susan’s Hall of Infamous Exes. Because I show no mercy.

      Like

  20. vicky1clicker1tr
    April 16, 2012

    I have an idea. You know, when you can’t go to sleep, and so, if you try really hard to stay awake, you go to sleep? Ok, so…officially stop looking. And then. Well…

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 16, 2012

      Excellent suggestion, Vicky! I’m one step ahead of you. I now see all dating opportunities as social experiments.

      Like

  21. Giora
    April 16, 2012

    Are you coming back to visit Canada, or we lost you for China forever?

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 16, 2012

      I shall return to Canada, one day, when China runs out of fodder for my writing (which may not be anytime soon).

      Thanks for visiting. And your website provides a wealth of information about Chinese American Authors. I’m currently reading a lot about China too, but more from a business standpoint. Will explore your blog in greater detail for sure.

      Like

      • Giora
        April 17, 2012

        You are welcome to join my blog as a follower. I don’t see a place on your blog to join. I know a lot about many Chinese companies, trading the stock market for a living and follow many Chinese stocks that are traded in the United States and Canada. Are you planning to write about business in China? If you want to know about a specific sector in China, let me know and maybe I can help.

        Like

        • lostnchina
          April 17, 2012

          I have already bookmarked your site. Thank you for turning me onto it again. I do have a Follow by Email tab on the sidebar, but I realize now it may be lost in all the other stuff in the menu, so I’ve moved it up.

          I have been doing business with China since ’96 and now have my own business in China since ’04. We have a factory manufacturing gifts and premiums which we export. Living in China and running my own business have provided me with lots of fodder for future writing. I hope to write something in the vein of Midler’s “Poorly Made in China” or Clisshold’s “Mr. China”, which are anecdotal writings of two Western men acting as go-betweens for Chinese suppliers and Western buyers. Both use their sometimes hilarious personal experiences to reflect on the changing socio-economic environment, the culture and history of Chinese citizens.

          My idea is just a pipe dream at best for the moment, but I do have a great personal story to tell about Chinese business ethics and culture and it definitely won’t bridge the gap between China and America the way that your writing attempts to do.

          Do you have a Twitter account by which I can get your updates quickly?

          Thanks for stopping by!

          Like

          • Giora
            April 17, 2012

            Okay, I found the side bar at the bootom and joined with my e-mail, and found out that your name is Sue. Nice to meet you. Are you doing products similar to this company
            http://www.fansgift1995.com
            A friend of mine in Vienna, Austria worked for a man importing gifts from China and he was importing a beautiful Toy Pillow. I never saw it in Canada. It can do well here. Do you know about it?
            I will first go quickly over the two books and then come back to you. I guess that they ar critical about China. If you want to have a ig seller, it’s good to write good and bad about China and also good and bad about the US. There are four times more readers in China than in the US. So always think about a book that can also be translated to Chinese and be a big seller in China. It can be critical of doin business in China, but write some things about the good things, to keep all readers happy.
            You have a vivid style of writing so while many readers find books about business to be broing, you can make it lively to read.
            I update my log only every two months, butI will add you now on my Twitter, which I only opened last week.
            Lastly, do you export to Canada? You can respond to my e-mail. Thanks and Best wishes.

            Like

  22. kamamer
    April 16, 2012

    I remember you had a “choice” for a Valentines Day date.

    Susan: Should I go out with Space Elevator or Hunch Back?

    Me: Space Elevator.

    A female friend on FB wondered why we were calling them space elevator and hunch back. I commented because hunch back had a hunch back and space elevator spent two dates just talking about space elevators.

    “Oh well. At least she has a choice.”

    To which you then commented “It’s not really a choice.”

    Like

  23. becomingcliche
    April 16, 2012

    I’m sure Palm Springs isn’t SO bad. After all, the considerably lowered odds of diarrhea ought to count for something.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      April 16, 2012

      Well, I’m sure Palm Springs is a perfectly lovely place where people rarely have diarrhea. This post is in no way dissing Palm Springs.

      Like

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This entry was posted on April 15, 2012 by in Humor and tagged , , , .
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