lostnchina

…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row

Mongolian Barbequed: Four Days & Three Nights in Mongolia with a Chinese Tour Group

It was with near-hysterical fervor that my employees and I had signed up for a four-day guided tour of Inner Mongolia leaving on May 1 – China’s Labor Day – one … Continue reading

May 30, 2015 · 16 Comments

I Just Wanna Play Scrabble and Not Buy You Viagra

Just as someone might want to swim with the sharks or pull a freight train with his testicles – when I lived in southern China, I played online Scrabble to … Continue reading

September 4, 2014 · 14 Comments

Funereality – Part Two

A Buddhist monk, my sneezing sister and I are driving along in a Mercedes with plush leather seats. Something that resembles a dried up stalk of corn is wedged between … Continue reading

July 17, 2014 · 40 Comments

Lost in Translation – Why I’m Not an Interpreter

Originally posted on lostnchina:
My Mother often asks me why I don’t step up and help foreigners translate, as they stammer and gulp their way through the simplest things, like…

September 15, 2013 · 4 Comments

Vivian and I are Having a Baby!

Late last year, Vivian, my Accounting Manager and right-hand person in China told me on internet messenger that she was (finally) formally getting married: Me: Congrats!  So…you’re pregnant? Vivian: How … Continue reading

August 8, 2013 · 17 Comments

Of Banks & Sex – Banking in 21st Century China

Written in April 2006, before the happy advent of internet banking After two years of living in China, I’ve finally made my first wire transfer at a bank without help from … Continue reading

June 15, 2013 · 12 Comments

Dentally Yours: An Adventure in Chinese Medical Misadventure

Ask anyone who’s traveling to a developing country her number one fear and it’s usually either: a) getting robbed, maimed or killed (after which she would most likely end up … Continue reading

May 19, 2013 · 33 Comments

Hells Bell’s Palsy: The Symptoms of a Chinese Mother

Bell’s palsy “is a form of facial paralysis resulting from a dysfunction of the …facial nerve… causing an inability to control facial muscles on the affected side…It is thought that … Continue reading

March 24, 2013 · 28 Comments

The Trainer.

Based on events which occurred in a small town in China in 2005 I first saw the Trainer – and I believe that was his name,  as that’s what everyone … Continue reading

February 12, 2013 · 15 Comments

Teaching My Elderly Chinese Parents the Computer

First published December 3, 2011 The other day, my younger sister, Annie, lamented to me over instant messenger, “Mom forwarded me some weird email from one of her Chinese friends … Continue reading

January 21, 2013 · 22 Comments

The Power of Poo & Other Cross-cultural Conundrums

When people find out that I *live* in China, they always want to know what it’s like.  And from the way they ask and the expressions on their faces, I … Continue reading

October 15, 2012 · 42 Comments

Walkers Scottish Oatcakes and the Scottish Invasion of China

Because I’m absolutely lacking in creativity these days, I’m re-posting this piece from September 2011. We don’t hear a lot about Scotland in China, Hong Kong or Taiwan.  I’m sure … Continue reading

July 10, 2012 · 24 Comments

People’s Republic of WTF?

The other day I realized that, even though this blog is entitled LOSTNCHINA and I frequently blather on about how odd it is to be Chinese-but-not-quite-Chinese-enough in China, I’ve never … Continue reading

May 21, 2012 · 38 Comments

How to Succeed at Landing the Chinese Man of Your Nightmares

I know for a sorry fact that, if my Dad were to pass away tomorrow, his greatest regret would not be that 1000+ item Vegas Strip buffet he never tried, … Continue reading

May 8, 2012 · 36 Comments

So You Wanna Own a Piece of China, eh?

I sometimes tell people that, if I hadn’t gotten an MBA, I would’ve gone into home construction and repair instead.  A PhD in Plumbing, an Associates Certificate in Dry-Wallcology, or … Continue reading

May 4, 2012 · 11 Comments

Chinese Chicken Gizzard & Testicle Soup for the Soul: Inspiration for the Uninspirable

You drink this soup I made for you; it will make you stronger and smarter and give you chi.  You don’t do what I say, you’ll die a slow and … Continue reading

April 25, 2012 · 21 Comments

Three Made-in-China Things That Almost Killed Me

Most of us are aware of the more obvious dangers that living in China might present – crossing the street and getting hit by a car, driving and getting hit … Continue reading

April 5, 2012 · 28 Comments

Toto, We’re Not in Kansas Anymore: A Foreigner’s Guide on What NOT TO DO While Living in China

This a revised post first written in 2006 It always amazes me how foreigners who have no ties with China, know nothing about China’s people, culture, or language, suddenly uproot … Continue reading

March 26, 2012 · 12 Comments

The Foreign Customer is Always (Never) Right

As a contributor to your esteemed country’s trade deficit with China, we Chinese suppliers are often given many unflattering labels – opportunistic, unethical, and misleading.  We are accused of seducing … Continue reading

March 16, 2012 · 11 Comments

Toilet Tales

When I first came to China, I had enough drugs in my suitcase to put a pharmacy to shame: Extra-strength Tylenol, Sudafed, Sinutab, calcium tablets, multi-vitamins, oregano oil, garlic pills, … Continue reading

March 11, 2012 · 29 Comments

A Foreign Idiot’s Guide to Running a Business in China

Some of you may wonder what the hell it is I do in China.  I frequently blather on about my Mom’s English, my hatred of Chinese banks, and my bewilderment … Continue reading

March 2, 2012 · 14 Comments

For the Caregivers of the English-impaired

When people ask me what languages I know, of course English and Chinese come to mind.  French was mandatory till Grade 10, but that doesn’t mean I’d retained any.  I … Continue reading

February 21, 2012 · 14 Comments

That Chinese Chick Can’t Cook Rice

For my birthday I had a group of friends over to my place for a birthday / leftover X’mas / Chinese New Year hot pot (fondue) dinner. Traditionally in the … Continue reading

February 10, 2012 · 24 Comments

The Time I Wrote a Love Letter to Myself

In the ’90s, teaching English in Taiwan was as easy as getting piss-ass drunk on cheap beer and mistaking every stranger in the bar for someone you know.  The Taiwanese … Continue reading

January 31, 2012 · 12 Comments

More a Tweet Than a Post: Happy Chinese New Year!

A few posts back I promised to display my latest Chinese New Year acquisition – the 2012 edition of the Chinese New Year red panty, which my mother sent me … Continue reading

January 25, 2012 · 16 Comments

“Help!” (Wanted): The Story of Boogie Wang, Chloe Chu, Pinky Lo & One Kinky Ho

In Hong Kong, recruiting an English-speaking Account Representative is easier than in China, as English is one of the two official languages.  The issue I have is with the names … Continue reading

January 17, 2012 · 46 Comments

Lies My Superstitious Chinese Mother Told Me & the Longevity Panty

I’m the first-born byproduct of old-world Chinese parents.  My Father is nearly twice my age and my Mother is  irrational, but has very nice skin. My Mother, like many Chinese … Continue reading

December 31, 2011 · 39 Comments

Ode to Alcohol

Just having returned from China, walking into a US liquor store was as close to a religious experience as I was ever going to get: I almost dropped to my … Continue reading

December 27, 2011 · 9 Comments

Driving Miss Crazy

Unlike Jessica Tandy in “Driving Miss Daisy”, I just can’t get used to the idea of having my own Driver in China.  I KNOW that in China, as in many … Continue reading

December 13, 2011 · 5 Comments

Teaching My Elderly Chinese Parents the Computer

The other day, my younger sister, Annie, lamented to me over instant messenger, “Mom forwarded me some weird email from one of her Chinese friends about eating all my vegetables … Continue reading

December 3, 2011 · 15 Comments