…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row
As we barrel toward the Lord of the Rings of holidays, let’s remember the true meaning of Christmas – reindeer, pine trees, and candy canes set against a backdrop of ill-fitting sweaters; family portraits masquerading as holiday cards from the people of Christmases past; agonizing moments hoping that when Aunt Agnes visits, she won’t see your neighbor’s Pomeranian wearing the too-small pink sweater she’d knitted for your 16-year old daughter.
This holiday season, when you receive that re-gifted dried-fruit-and-nut basket, complete with your sender’s name crossed out in the “TO” field and your misspelled name in its place, or witness your co-worker trying to pass off a Christmas tree skirt as holiday attire, be thankful that you’ve at least escaped the fate of these Hallmark Holiday Card Rejects: those souls, who believe they’re sending their very best, but are instead subjecting us to something infinitesimally worse – their version of the holiday greeting.
As part of the “On the @#*$ Day of Christmas” series, I’ll be re-publishing past holiday posts each week till that fateful day, when I debut a new post.
The following piece, originally published in 2011, has been revised for immature audiences.
This photo was taken when Elkhart, Indiana’s premiere easy-listening radio station for extra-terrestrials, KZET, had a statewide competition for “How Many Items of Christmas Clothing Can You Possibly Wear at One Time Without Causing Blindness or Permanent Brain Damage?”.
The Carvers’ photo was disqualified, because they didn’t discover till the last minute that Lady Baa Baa’s Santa hat couldn’t count towards the contest, as the only livestock permitted were cows and horses.
After this photo session, Lady Baa Baa was baanished to the baarn, but her happy-goat-lucky grin endeared her to fans worldwide, landing her a guest spot on Carpool Karaoke, where she moved James Corden to tears with her rendition of Carole King’s, “Goat Annie”.
In an attempt to find out the story behind Santa’s black eye, I’ve found Teakneck, New Jersey Police Department’s report on the incident:
Case Number: VT 05/04/17/3462
Incident: Attempted Vehicle Theft, Possession of Narcotics with Intent to Sell, Indecent Exposure, Loitering, the Sale of Pirated DVDs and fake Luis Vuitton shoulder bags, Soliciting a Wooden Buddha Statue for Sex at the All-you-cannot-possibly-eat Big Buddha Belly Chinese Restaurant, Overstaying a Visa Issued in 1975 for 3 Months
Reporting Officer: Officer James Rundle
Date of Report: 05 April 2017
At about 13:14 hours on 5th April 2017, I met with Ms. Shirley L. Gilbert at 204 Northeast Redding Street regarding an attempted vehicle theft, indecent exposure, sex solicitation, and the sale of illegal merchandise and narcotics. Ms. Gilbert said she had parked her car by the wooden Buddha statue in front of the “All-you-cannot-possibly-eat Big Buddha Belly Chinese Restaurant” at about 12:02 hours and went into a nearby gun shop to return a faulty handgun she had purchased with the intent to scare her “lazy ass” husband into “doing the goddamn dishes”, which has been “piling up in that motherfucking cesspool he calls a sink for the last two weeks”.
Ms. Gilbert said that when she returned to her car at about 13:00 hours, she discovered an inebriated man, John O’Roarke, dressed in a Santa suit from the waist up and in his birthday suit from the waist down.
Mr. O’Roarke was asking the wooden Buddha whether it wanted any of that crazy “white stuff”, and Sexy Santa knew a place where they could get a room cheap and hang out, except they’d have to share the room with a twelve-man contortionist troupe from Tianjin, China.
Ms. Gilbert said that this all wasn’t so unusual as the fact that he was carrying a stunning Luis Vuitton bag from the Fall 2018 collection, which wasn’t out in the stores yet.
When Ms. Gilbert approached Mr. O’Roarke to ask about the bag, he panicked, dropped the bag, which revealed a stash of pirated straight-to-DVD Gay Christmas Pornos, such as, “A Silent Night, Oh What a Holey Night”.
When Ms. Gilbert bent over to pick up the Luis Vuitton bag, Mr. O’Roarke tried to flee in Ms. Gilbert’s car – a 1991 white, four-door, automatic transmission, Honda Civic EX with the license plate BGMAMA.
As Mr. O’Roarke entered the car’s back seat with the wooden Buddha face down on his lap, Mr. O’Roarke was unable to operate the vehicle and complete the theft. This frustrated Mr. O’Roarke, who had an altercation with the wooden Buddha that led to the statue falling on top of Mr. O’Roarke and giving him a black eye.
I conducted a survey of the crime scene and found the following: two copies of Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat, unused cotton balls, a fortune cookie with the message, “Do you really need these extra calories?”, and a pair of Santa costume pants.
I arrested Mr. O’Roarke for indecent exposure, attempting to solicit an inanimate object for sex, peddling narcotics to a statue, and the possession of pirated gay Christmas pornos, and being in the possession of fake LV bags.
When we arrived at the station, Captain O’Mallory’s children were visiting and insisted on having a picture taken with Santa. As a result, Mr. O’Roarke’s mugshot also contains Captain O’Mallory’s children, Tim, age 9, Tabatha, age 8, and Jeremy, age 11.
Upon performing a routine a check of Mr. O’Roarke’s name in our database, we found that he has overstayed his visitor’s visa, which had expired in May 1975. Mr. O’Roarke was unable to provide documentation showing his current legal status.
Consequently, Mr. O’Roarke will be deported to Mexico, even though he is originally from Ireland and speaks no Spanish.
For those of you wondering what Santa does the 364 days he’s not dispensing toys to the children of the world, you may find him shirtless in his cut-offs and ski boots hanging out in Venice Beach, California.
Like a woman who might forego shaving her legs, if she’s not dating anyone at the moment, Santa just likes to relax when it’s not December 25.
But Santa still keeps busy throughout the year, devoting his time and energy towards worthy causes, such as “Loofah for the Lonely” and periodically donates his body hair towards the production of Brillo pads for the needy.
It’s also a little known fact that the annual “Macaroni & Cheese Till You Drop to Your Knees” for the homeless would not have taken place had it not been for Santa graciously stepping in at the last minute, generously offering his body as a human cheese grater, when the commercial-grade grater famous chef, Emeril, brought to the event could not keep up with the stresses of grating over 500 pounds of cheese.
Though Santa smelled terribly of sharp cheddar for the next two weeks, he felt it was all worthwhile when he saw the scared and confused faces of the children, who complained there was too much hair in their macaroni and cheese.
If you lived in Boone, Iowa between January 26, 1977 and February 3, 1977, drove an orange, rusty Chevrolet Chevette, went by the name of Eugene Larsson, and married your Filipino third cousin from Philadelphia, then you might have heard of ventriloquist Amy Sherling and her dummy, Amy Sherling.
Ventriloquist Amy Sherling was on the fast-track to becoming the Head Librarian when she discovered a talent for throwing the voices screaming inside her head outside onto inanimate objects in the library.
She first practiced on the books in the library. For example, if someone picked up a copy of Moby Dick, the book would start to say in a squeaky voice, “Call me Ishmaaaaeeeel“.
Despite her quiet demeanor, ventriloquist Sherling was most fond of Kurt Vonnegaut’s gritty and realistic writing and would often quote him in dummy Sherling’s voice,
In my prison cell I sit,
With my britches full of shit,
And my balls are bouncing gently on the floor,
And I see the bloody snag
When she bit me in the bag.
Oh I’ll never fuck a Polack any more.
– Slaughterhouse 5, Chapter 7
Unfortunately, ventriloquist Sherling and dummy Sherling met an untimely death at a Red Lobster in March 1979. Dummy Sherling wanted the all-you-can-eat Shrimp Feast, but ventriloquist Sherling was severely allergic to shellfish. Ventriloquist Sherling then accused her dummy of being a “diva” and signing a tell-all book deal with Simon and Schuster behind her back.
When the police and paramedics arrived, it was too late. Ventriloquist Sherling had drowned dummy Sherling in a vat of lime jello, but not before dummy Sherling was able to drag ventriloquist Sherling head first into the day-old all-you-can-eat shrimp display.
Though ventriloquist Amy Sherling had a brief professional career, she will be forever remembered for coining the popular phrase, “If I had a quarter for every time I fell on my head and blacked out for a few moments, I’d be a rich bitch by now“.