…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row
With Valentine’s Day approaching, those of us who are single will want to brush up their online dating profiles to attract the most worthy Romeo or Juliet. (First posted May 2013.)
Congratulations! Like a lobotomized water buffalo in heat, you have decided to charge ass first – because its larger size will cause more damage – into the increasingly flatulent world of online dating. You’ve brushed up on the pointers and have learned to filter other profiles for nut jobs. Now all that’s left is –
In their 2005 extensive study of online dating sites, the highly-accredited sex research firm of “Masters & Their Johnsons” found that, while women were most impressed by a man’s ability to express his sense of humor, sincerity, and maturity in his online profile, men had much lower expectations, requiring only that the women have the right parts and be able to tolerate the men for at least ten minutes at a time, without breaking into laughter and/or tears of disgust.
However, a 2008 landmark case lowered the tolerance of men requirement to five minutes, after Maria Lockschneider sued “Bilbo Baggins” Boyd for mental anguish, as he subjected her to two months of fourteen-hour days, during which he’d sit in his Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs worn backwards on their cat-pee couch, eating Cheetos and playing World of Warcraft. It wasn’t so much the gaming as it was the Cheetos, according to Ms. Lockschneider. “When he switched to Cheetos Puffs, I knew our relationship was over. I mean, Cheetos Puffs?! How can you respect a guy after that?“
What does this all mean for a lady who hopes to get lucky through online personals? Well, if your expectations are lower than the elevation of Death Valley and your tolerance for idiocy is high because you work at the DMV, then the online dating world is your long-expired, farm-raised oyster. By utilizing the laughably-simple techniques I’ve learned through decades of moronic online dating, you, too, can attract the man of your nightmares in a very short period of time. So, let us begin with…
As part of a losing bet with his cronies over whether the world was really flat or round, Dr. Hsin Sung Wu of “The Institute for Nothing in Particular, but We Take Lots of Government Grant Money Anyway” was forced to place an advertisement in an online dating site, pretending to be a woman. In what is now a textbook case for online daters everywhere, Dr. Wu contended that (1) most men never thoroughly read a woman’s profile; and, (2) as long as you show up in a man’s profile search results as a woman, he’ll write to you, regardless of what your profile pictures looks like.
To prove his point, Dr. Wu’s online profile under the handle, “Ample Annie Anvil”, the above picture and description received one-hundred-and-four replies in two days. The results are documented in Dr. Wu’s highly-acclaimed thesis, Only Blondes and Anvils Have More Fun: A Man’s Guide to Online Dating as a Fake Woman, free for a limited time with your purchase of an Advil or Tylenol bulk pack. Following is an excerpt of Dr. Wu’s findings:
From the above graph, it’s clear that your intended male audience has the collective IQ of ten pairs of galoshes and that you really don’t need to try very hard to impress one. However, for those of you who want to maximize the effectiveness of your online profile picture, here are a few pointers:
–> Always have a money shot
–> Pose suggestively in suggestive clothing with suggestive props
The value of posing with a prop in your online picture cannot be over-emphasized. As online dating has evolved into a bloodsport with lesser men and women clamoring over each other for the few most eligible men and women, both sexes have upped the ante. Traditionally suggestive objects, such as bananas and carrots have now been replaced by a new generation of fruits, vegetables, fowl and musical instruments:
To maximize the effectiveness of your profile picture, I’ve compiled a list of common props and the messages they convey. Hopefully, with these pointers, we’ll be seeing your online dating profile in happy cyberspace shortly: