…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row
I’ve been negligent in blogging this year, ’tis true,
but what’s a woman with severe writer’s block to do?
I’ve agonized and despaired – plagued with self-doubt,
desperately searching for an easy way out.
When I happened upon these pics,
some depicting a version of St. Nick,
I thought, There’s no better present,
which will build up your resentment,
and compel you to hit me hard with a hockey stick.
Blunt force trauma aside,
I hope your brain won’t get fried,
as mine did when I gazed upon these pics. (And from your hockey stick.)
For I only want to share
a blog post that’s rare,
and not a tale about a guy with the charm of an oil slick.
You can say this is a gift or an abomination,
an aberration, a compensation, a deviation, or even a gene mutation –
or anything else you think rhymes with -ation after a few cases of beer.
Whatever you call this,
I hope you won’t miss
the fact that I mean it all in good cheer.
So, from My Heart to Your Gag Reflex (no it was not the Tex-Mex),
here are the The Worst Christmas Album Covers – at least – for this year….
In the pre-Xbox and Disney days of Christmas, kids were much more humble in their requests for presents. Despite the need for corrective eye surgery, Lil Johnny Peevey – pictured above with a present that turned out to be cigarette butts and some dryer lint Santa had found in his pocket – only wanted a gift of two front teeth for Christmas, oblivious to the fact that he already had some.
Even after his parents had turned off the lights and gone to bed for the night, Lil Johnny obediently stood vigil by the Christmas tree, while older sister, Gayla (pictured below), asked Lil Johnny to sing Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise” repeatedly:
As I walk fru de wally of de shadow of deaf
I take a look at my life and real-eyeshhh fere’s nofin’ left
Cause I’f been blashhting and laughing so long,
Fat e-wen my mama finks fat my mind is gone….
Growing up with a brother who spoke as if he didn’t possess his two front teeth made Gayla Peevey constantly wonder whether her ears were on straight. She figured that a hippopotamus in a red waistcoat two sizes too small and a case of butt eczema could provide her with a solution, and wished for one every Christmas. Unfortunately, even after releasing one thousand copies of, “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” as a boxed set with Lil Johnny’s, “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”, the hippopotamus still eluded Gayla. She gifted her remaining copy of the record to the Oklahoma City Zoo, after their bid for famed hippo Halle O. Barry fell through. The staff at the zoo, noting that the record was labeled “nonbreakable”, eventually used it to shovel Edna the elephant’s dung.
Indeed, not everyone’s Christmas is filled with light and promise. Realizing that there was a niche market for Christmas music for death row inmates, Freddie Gage – a hardened, three-time convicted felon, arrested for setting the fashion industry back twenty years by pairing hideous white shoes, white socks, white shirts, and fat white ties with black pants – released two records for his buddies on death row.
The first album contains a collection of re-made, digitally-remastered Christmas classics with a death row flair. Favorites, such as “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town with a Syringe Full of Sodium Thiopental, Pavulon, and Potassium Chloride“, “Jingle in Hell”, and “It’ll Finally be a Silent Night When You Take Your Last Breath” – have all reached Casey Kasem’s Top 40.
Unfortunately, Freddie’s follow-up album, “All my friends are dead” – the cover featuring a defiant Freddie wearing the same outfit that got him arrested decades earlier – failed to reach the popularity of his previous release. The album was described by Peter Travers of The Rolling Stone as, “a fascinating exploration of Gage’s psychotic, rambling mind, with over ninety minutes of the musician giving painfully detailed instructions on how to paint your leather shoes white using Liquid Paper“, while the record’s B-side contains a bonus section: Gage’s family recipe for marzipan Hello Kitty figurines, made entirely of honey, pink sugar, almond meal and razor blades.
But as we enjoy our holiday this year, please don’t forget our Christmas-loving friends from around the world. Friends, such as Thore Skogman: ten-time-sausage-eating champion and survivor of a massive bowel obstruction – who reminds us that Christmas is also celebrated in Sweden – often with gigantic, phallic-looking meats, meat byproducts and plastic fruit.
In South Korea, however, western religion was strictly controlled till the early 1990s, and Christmas was seen as an evil holiday, as represented by the Kimchi Kult’s breakthrough album, “Merry Christmas”. Bags of dynamite suspiciously resemble Christmas gifts, and the band members’ spears and guns are thinly disguised as electric guitars. Kimchi Kult was South Korea’s first boy band, formed by the government as a warning to hormonal teenage girls about the dangers of believing in a holiday built on the mafia-like cult of Christianity. The band, famous for their ability to sing two octaves higher than the most renowned soprano at the time, achieved their sound by pulling up their pants as high as possible without causing permanent scrotal damage. Decades later, their elusive drummer, Bulgogi Bill, was found to be a spy working for the Coalition of Christianish People, comprised mainly of Presbyterians, Lutherans, and two Jehovah’s Witnesses. Despite never having learned to play the drums (Bulgogi Bill’s picture on the album is actually a Photoshop of him sitting down to eat his boxed lunch of fermented fish and rice), Bulgogi Bill remains the most popular member of the Kimchi Kult.
But let’s also remember our fellow, less-fortunate Americans during this important time of year. There are many among us, like Rudy Ray Moore and his harem of five women, who only have the resources to decorate their tree with ben wa and red tennis balls, while clothing themselves with police tape and tinsel from the Christmas tree. The smiles on these women’s faces belie the emptiness they feel inside, when they receive – yet again – the gift of an inflating ball, body oil, or a small vibrating toy attached to an electrical cord.
This Christmas, don’t wait another minute to donate your time or money to a worthy cause, like this one, or any one of the following:
Pictured above, the Blue Star Singing Group (藍星合唱團) are completely tone-deaf, but that doesn’t stop them from experiencing the joy of Christmas in their album, “X’mas a Go Go”, which has been likened to “a frenetic warbling that will cause all the fillings to fall out of your teeth simultaneously”. Your donation will help them buy matching blue-colored socks, lenses for the lead guitarist’s eyeglasses, so he that can see strings on his instrument, and another chair for Pinky Peng (shown sitting in front of the Christmas tree, so it won’t fall over).
Thank you for following in 2014…
More to come in 2015….