lostnchina

…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row

From My Heart to Your Gag Reflex: Worst Christmas Album Covers…for Now

Most Benevolent LReader:

I’ve been negligent in blogging this year, ’tis true,
but what’s a woman with severe writer’s block to do?

I’ve agonized and despaired – plagued with self-doubt,
desperately searching for an easy way out.

When I happened upon these pics,
some depicting a version of St. Nick,
I thought, There’s no better present,
which will build up your resentment,
and compel you to hit me hard with a hockey stick.

Blunt force trauma aside,
I hope your brain won’t get fried,
as mine did when I gazed upon these pics. (And from your hockey stick.)

For I only want to share
a blog post that’s rare,
and not a tale about a guy with the charm of an oil slick.

You can say this is a gift or an abomination,
an aberration, a compensation, a deviation, or even a gene mutation –
or anything else you think rhymes with -ation after a few cases of beer.

Whatever you call this,
I hope you won’t miss
the fact that I mean it all in good cheer.

So, from My Heart to Your Gag Reflex (no it was not the Tex-Mex),
here are the The Worst Christmas Album Covers – at least – for this year….

xmas album cover3

Colonel Sanders in a Santa hat.

album cover8

Colonel Sanders in Tijuana

Kentucky Fried Gophers?

Colonel Sanders, aka. Genghis Khan, in China. (To be released on eight-track in the winter of 2015.)

 *****

xmas album cover10

In the pre-Xbox and Disney days of Christmas, kids were much more humble in their requests for presents.  Despite the need for corrective eye surgery, Lil Johnny Peevey – pictured above with a present that turned out to be cigarette butts and some dryer lint Santa had found in his pocket – only wanted a gift of two front teeth for Christmas, oblivious to the fact that he already had some.

Even after his parents had turned off the lights and gone to bed for the night, Lil Johnny obediently stood vigil by the Christmas tree, while older sister, Gayla (pictured below), asked Lil Johnny to sing Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise” repeatedly:

As I walk fru de wally of de shadow of deaf
I take a look at my life and real-eyeshhh fere’s nofin’ left
Cause I’f been blashhting and laughing so long,
Fat e-wen my mama finks fat my mind is gone….
xmas album cover15Growing up with a brother who spoke as if he didn’t possess his two front teeth made Gayla Peevey constantly wonder whether her ears were on straight.  She figured that a hippopotamus in a red waistcoat two sizes too small and a case of butt eczema could provide her with a solution, and wished for one every Christmas.  Unfortunately, even after releasing one thousand copies of, “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” as a boxed set with Lil Johnny’s, “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”, the hippopotamus still eluded Gayla.  She gifted her remaining copy of the record to the Oklahoma City Zoo, after their bid for famed hippo Halle O. Barry fell through.  The staff at the zoo, noting that the record was labeled “nonbreakable”, eventually used it to shovel Edna the elephant’s dung.

xmas album coversIndeed, not everyone’s Christmas is filled with light and promise.  Realizing that there was a niche market for Christmas music for death row inmates, Freddie Gage – a hardened, three-time convicted felon, arrested for setting the fashion industry back twenty years by pairing hideous white shoes, white socks, white shirts, and fat white ties with black pants – released two records for his buddies on death row.

The first album contains a collection of re-made, digitally-remastered Christmas classics with a death row flair.  Favorites, such as “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town with a Syringe Full of Sodium Thiopental, Pavulon, and Potassium Chloride“, “Jingle in Hell”, and “It’ll Finally be a Silent Night When You Take Your Last Breath” – have all reached Casey Kasem’s Top 40.

xmas album cover44Unfortunately, Freddie’s follow-up album, “All my friends are dead” – the cover featuring a defiant Freddie wearing the same outfit that got him arrested decades earlier – failed to reach the popularity of his previous release.  The album was described by Peter Travers of The Rolling Stone as, “a fascinating exploration of Gage’s psychotic, rambling mind, with over ninety minutes of the musician giving painfully detailed instructions on how to paint your leather shoes white using Liquid Paper“, while the record’s B-side contains a bonus section: Gage’s family recipe for marzipan Hello Kitty figurines, made entirely of honey, pink sugar, almond meal and razor blades.

xmas album cover13But as we enjoy our holiday this year, please don’t forget our Christmas-loving friends from around the world.  Friends, such as Thore Skogman: ten-time-sausage-eating champion and survivor of a massive bowel obstruction – who reminds us that Christmas is also celebrated in Sweden – often with gigantic, phallic-looking meats, meat byproducts and plastic fruit.

xmas album cover42In South Korea, however, western religion was strictly controlled till the early 1990s, and Christmas was seen as an evil holiday, as represented by the Kimchi Kult’s breakthrough album, “Merry Christmas”.  Bags of dynamite suspiciously resemble Christmas gifts, and the band members’ spears and guns are thinly disguised as electric guitars.  Kimchi Kult was South Korea’s first boy band, formed by the government as a warning to hormonal teenage girls about the dangers of believing in a holiday built on the mafia-like cult of Christianity.  The band, famous for their ability to sing two octaves higher than the most renowned soprano at the time, achieved their sound by pulling up their pants as high as possible without causing permanent scrotal damage.  Decades later, their elusive drummer, Bulgogi Bill, was found to be a spy working for the Coalition of Christianish People, comprised mainly of Presbyterians, Lutherans, and two Jehovah’s Witnesses.  Despite never having learned to play the drums (Bulgogi Bill’s picture on the album is actually a Photoshop of him sitting down to eat his boxed lunch of fermented fish and rice), Bulgogi Bill remains the most popular member of the Kimchi Kult.

xmas album cover9But let’s also remember our fellow, less-fortunate Americans during this important time of year.  There are many among us, like Rudy Ray Moore and his harem of five women, who only have the resources to decorate their tree with ben wa and red tennis balls, while clothing themselves with police tape and tinsel from the Christmas tree.  The smiles on these women’s faces belie the emptiness they feel inside, when they receive – yet again – the gift of an inflating ball, body oil, or a small vibrating toy attached to an electrical cord.

This Christmas, don’t wait another minute to donate your time or money to a worthy cause, like this one, or any one of the following:

xmas album cover39

Dyslexia isn’t the problem.  Delusion is.  Please give.

xmas album cover8

Words cannot express the fate that will befall Stan and Doug if they are not kept up to date on their medication.  (They are pictured here on a good day.)

xmas album cover36

Pictured above, the Blue Star Singing Group (藍星合唱團) are completely tone-deaf, but that doesn’t stop them from experiencing the joy of Christmas in their album, “X’mas a Go Go”, which has been likened to “a frenetic warbling that will cause all the fillings to fall out of your teeth simultaneously”. Your donation will help them buy matching blue-colored socks, lenses for the lead guitarist’s eyeglasses, so he that can see strings on his instrument, and another chair for Pinky Peng (shown sitting in front of the Christmas tree, so it won’t fall over).

xmas album cover17
How can you not find it in your heart to give to these poor souls this Christmas?

xmas album cover14

These dogs (shown in the foreground) need your help to get away from this man.

 Thank you for following in 2014…
More to come in 2015….

20 comments on “From My Heart to Your Gag Reflex: Worst Christmas Album Covers…for Now

  1. lostnchina
    December 24, 2015

    Reblogged this on lostnchina and commented:

    Just when you thought that warm fuzzy feeling is from the holidays, think again…

    Like

  2. Carl D'Agostino
    December 27, 2014

    OMG. All should be thrown out with the Christmas tree. Thanks visit my blog.

    Like

  3. Yeah, I feel like you have a fair amount of pictures of Col. Sanders in your blogs. I was going to point out that it’s pretty weird, but perhaps its even more weird that I’ve allowed it to take up real estate in my brain. Anyways…. Happy Holidays.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lostnchina
      December 23, 2014

      Well, as I told another blogger – KFC is kinda my comfort food. There, I said it. Now you have to deal with it…during the holidays.

      Happy to you, too.

      Like

  4. expatlingo
    December 17, 2014

    Christmas A Go Go! God bless you Susan for providing us with some year-end entertainment.

    As for Christmas with Colonel Sanders, did they play and sell the records at Kentucky Fried Chicken? You know, like a Starbucks CD promotion? Even if they didn’t, I like the idea that they did.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      December 18, 2014

      Any CDs put out by KFC will probably be used to shovel the leftover chicken bones and butter biscuits. Though I must say the original recipe is a comfort food for me. Saw a coupon in the mail the other day for an 18-piece bucket of dark meat chicken ($5.99!) and got excited. Please send help.

      Happy holidays, Jen!

      Like

      • expatlingo
        December 18, 2014

        It’s the smell. They lure you in with the smell. (I will admit to eating KFC at least two times in Hong Kong.)

        Like

  5. gingerfightback
    December 16, 2014

    My Christmas has been ruined by the sight of Freddy’ s white boots. And as for the blaxploitation cover…..words fail me. BRILLIANT!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      December 18, 2014

      I’m sorry for ruining your X’mas. Though I suspect Oily George, Fanny Redcrack and Bob on the Pot do a pretty good job of that as well. Happy holidays to the whole gang!

      Like

      • gingerfightback
        December 18, 2014

        Back Atcha – I have painted my doc martins white as my Freddy obsession takes hold

        Like

  6. catbirdinchina
    December 16, 2014

    This is a hilarious post! Thanks for giving me a big laugh first thing this morning. 🙂 I especially love your comments about Lil Johnny and Gayla Peevey, Thor Skogman, and Christmas on Death Row. The donation for “lenses for the lead guitarist’s eyeglasses” cracks me up, as I fondly remember all the Koreans who walk around wearing lens-less eyeglass frames to look cool! This group seems to be Chinese, but I haven’t yet encountered that phenomenon here in China! Thanks for getting me a bit into the holiday spirit here in Nanning. 🙂

    Like

    • lostnchina
      December 18, 2014

      Thanks for reading. Hey, aren’t you freshly home from the Middle East, or something – and now you’re in China? How does it compare?

      Nanning should have some holiday spirit…at least in the department stores with some plastic trees and pulsating jingly music. Just don’t do what I did – one X’mas, feeling lonely I went out and got what I thought was a chicken for roasting. It came with a bunch of dates and Chinese medicine things (got it in supermarket) – noticed it was very “thin” but, don’t you find chickens in China are far smaller than the hormonal ones in North America?

      Anyway, it smelled delicious in the oven, finally took it out and discovered it was a stewing chicken. No meat at all. Didn’t think this was possible. The chicken was all intact (with head too) – where did the meat go? Does it evaporate into air? Tried to gnaw at the perfectly roasted skin then gave up.

      Happy holidays!

      Like

      • catbirdinchina
        December 18, 2014

        Thanks for your reply, lostnchina. I did spend two years in Oman, in the Gulf, and then I spent a year back in Virginia before coming to China. I also spent a year in Korea before that, and a month in Egypt. It’s a world of difference being in China after being in the Middle East. I like the differences, but I often find myself missing Oman because of the sparse population, the accessible size of the country, and the fact that I had my own car, a really nice flat, and some wonderful friends. I think I may have to go back there one day to do another stint or two.

        That is a funny story about the chicken. I don’t even have an oven, so I couldn’t roast a chicken if I wanted to. That’s so weird that there was no meat on the chicken! I wonder if they purposely starve the chickens just to get a stewing chicken!!

        Anyway, it’s fun to read your posts, so I look forward to continuing to follow. Are you a teacher, or what are you doing in China? 🙂

        Like

        • lostnchina
          December 25, 2014

          Hey, catbird. Sorry for the late reply. I hope you found yourself a MEATY fish/fowl/pig/cow for X’mas dinner. China is pretty overwhelming, especially in the cities. It was not at all what I’d imagined before moving there. I did not imagine the infrastructure and technology to be as advanced as it is.

          I have a business in southern China that exports promotional items and gifts, and since I’m already Chinese and speak the language my experiences will be different from yours, as people in China treat me as a compatriot, for the most part. I do like the city my company’s in – it’s not as densely populated, quite clean and safe, compared to Shanghai, Guangzhou, etc. But thank goodness for the internet (and VPN), which allows you to be connected to “the outer world”. Don’t you find this is the case when you’re abroad?

          Hope you’re enjoying yourself and take care. Please post about finding a meaty chicken if you find one in China!

          Like

          • catbirdinchina
            December 26, 2014

            Thanks for your message. I’m sure your experience is much different than mine, being Chinese and speaking the language, and being in business as well. I never found any meaty birds for the holiday, but then I really didn’t look. I always have so much work to do on the holidays back home in Virginia, that I really wanted something simple and non-demanding (no cooking at all!) It turned out to be a dull Christmas over all, but I talked with my family and that made it all worthwhile. 🙂

            Like

  7. becomingcliche
    December 16, 2014

    I don’t know which of these is my favorite. I think my husband might just get some Rudy Ray Moore for Christmas.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      December 16, 2014

      I know – most men would go for the Rudy Ray Moore, but having five women isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Think of the line for the bathroom.

      Like

  8. Elmer Nev Valenzuela
    December 15, 2014

    I like that Blue Star Singing Group. They really have to vouch they are a singing group? I feel like slitting their throats with their sharpened pleats. How could they be a singing group when they do instrumentals ala Ventures? Merry Christmas Sue!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      December 16, 2014

      Elmer! Learned you had recently met with Nat through her blog post. Would have loved to be a fly on the wall at that time. How is everything in the Philippines after the big typhoon? Thinking of you, (as usual), during the holidays.

      Like

      • Elmer Nev Valenzuela
        December 17, 2014

        Everything’s back to normal now thanks. Yup Nat and I have some beers before she went off for South Africa. We spoke of you too!

        Like

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