…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row
Recovering from the fattening festivities of the holiday season and looking into my thousand-year old preserved duck’s egg of a crystal ball, I wonder who’s (again) replaced all of my pants with ones that are two sizes smaller – I come to you with disturbing news about the year ahead. I’m not talking about Elvis being found, disguised as a vat of *light* butter at the Blue Bonnet factory. I’m talking about apocalyptic, bowel-loosening events that will forever affect Mid-East-Far-East-Midwest and Upper-Appalachian-Valley relations. And – most shockingly - these events were all foretold decades ago on the covers of what we had thought were bizarre and terrible music albums that never should have seen the light of day!
As foretold by Happy Louie’s “Love and Peace” and the Murk Family’s “Love for all the Seasons” – 2014 will begin with all the hope for love and peace in the world. This will change later in 2014, just as it did for the Murks, when the horse, Aunt Jemima, mistook the floral dresses for endless pastures of flowers and started dining on two of four Murk sisters. Fortunately, Happy Louie – who always hitched his pants way up past his nipples, as that’s what kept him happy all day long – was on an adjoining sound stage practicing for the anti-war concert, “No Stars, Just Stripes”, when he heard the commotion and sprang to action. While Happy Louie was able to save everyone, his pants had to be surgically removed from his torso in an unprecedented 12-hour operation, which also enhanced his ability to yodel two octaves higher than a Vienna choirboy.
Right before Valentine’s Day, disgraced politician, Anthony Weiner (aka. Slim Goodbody), hopes to reinvent himself with the launch of his CD – “The Inside Story” – a collection of light-hearted learnings about the lesser known parts of his anatomy set to music from Leonard Bernstein’s “The West Side Story”. Those who hope to catch a glimpse of the most famous part of his body will be rewarded with the SPECIAL BONUS! feature, which includes a full-color poster and
time line lyric sheet of his sexploits political achievements. A chastened Weiner will also warble for forgiveness in a gut-wrenching acapella remake of “Officer Krupke” (“Officer, Cuff Me”). Critics will scoff at the song’s suggestive title and the gyrations of guest artists Traci Lords and Jenna Jameson dressed as police officers, but it’s Weiner who will have the last laugh when his album goes triple platinum and he legally changes his name to Pimp Masta W. Rod.
The deportation of illegal Hispanic immigrants will continue to be a hot button for people on both sides of the U.S. political fence in 2014. In a conciliatory move, right-wing politicians will give each deported alien a FREE junior-sized backpack filled with potable drinking water and a chance to be deported to any Mexican beach of his/her choice. At a widely-televised news conference, a leading ultra-conservative politician will promise that, “Any illegal Tom, Dick, Harry, Fernando or Francisco can take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer. You pay thousands of dollars for the privilege of going to Puerto Vallarta or Mazatlan for a week. Hell, we’re offering a one-way, forever ticket to paradise for FREE! You’d be an idiot NOT to take us up on the offer!”
The backpacks will also be major step in furthering U.S.-China relations, as the Chinese will offer all 3 tonnes of these junior-sized backpacks to the United States for FREE. They will be manufactured as an angry response to President Obama’s constant tsk-tsking of China’s Yuan policy and his bold State of the Union address likening the leader of China to Lord Voldemort. In China the catch phrase, Obama pulls a Harry Potter, will be synonymous with America’s insistence on criticizing China’s actions and repeatedly meddling in its foreign policy.
Unfortunately, 2.99 out of the 3 tonnes of backpacks will give its wearers hives and fall apart even before a deported alien reaches Mexico. The backpacks will be burned as an alternative to cheap fuel in Mexico, and the country will experience the worst pollution in the world for the next 55 years, with generations growing up and not knowing what the sun looks like, while believing that President Obama is a cartoon character with blue hair.
With the legalization of marijuana in parts of the United States, KFC will add pot as its twelfth ingredient to its famous eleven herbs and spices fried chicken recipe. The Tijuana Picnic Pack will feature a bucket filled with ten pieces of chicken, two sides of your choice, a CD featuring Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits, a half-eaten bag of potato chips, and over a dozen assorted candy bars. Also included will be coupons from supporting local businesses, such as Bubba’s Big Bong World and Hosiery Emporium. KFC’s motto will also be changed to It’s finger lickin’, mind-blowin’ good!
Despite massive cutbacks in space exploration funding, a top NASA researcher by the name of Les Baxter will discover alien life in the form of barely-dressed, brightly-colored women with bedsprings on their heads. These alien women, normally suspicious of non-natives, become very friendly after drinking goblet fulls of a strange concoction, not unlike our Earthling version of anti-freeze laced with food coloring. Unfortunately for Les, who’s unable to contain his excitement even through ten layers of his spacesuit purchased in a two-for-one sale on parachutes on Amazon.com, removing his spacesuit and fishbowl helmet are not options, as he would be subjected to a deadly combination of nitrogen, estrogen, Chanel NO. 5 and die within 30 seconds. To make matters worse, the alien ladies are nasty drunks and will make fun of his tiny rocket – a result of NASA’s decreased funding – which brought Les and his crew to the alien women’s planet. Although the team will return to Earth empty-handed, the trip will be hailed a success, as it’s discovered that pigs really can fly when they’re placed in a parachute pig spacesuit and fishbowl helmet and are ejected into deep space. However, further funding from the current administration will be needed to determine whether the pigs can also perform somersaults and eat crackers during flight.
Somewhere in this world, pictures of a beefy, naked, super hairy politician in a bubble bath drinking copious amounts of booze and holding a mechanical toy by his crotch will be leaked to the public. The politician will attempt to explain away his compromising pictures by saying that he was simply re-creating Carlos’ album of the same name.
We know better, but do we really care?