lostnchina

…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row

The Overly Self-Indulgent, Absolutely Optional Non-Anniversary Anniversary Search Term Post

chunky monkey

Number One Search Term – chunky monkey, fat hairy monkey, monkey chunky, chunky monkeys, mean monkey, fat hairy monkeys, chunkey munkeys, fat grey monkey, chunky monkey images, gay fat monkey, kinky monkey, super fat monkey, hilarious monkey, monkey hair, mean monkey, small monkey, monkey eyes, monkey armpits, chunky monkey woman, monkeys that are scared of bananas, monkey with a fat willy.
Image from: Help! (Wanted): The Story of Boogie Wang, Chloe Chu, Pinky Lo & One Kinky Ho

As my blog painfully drags its increasingly bulky ass into its third year – September 2013 – I’m humbled by the number of kind people who faithfully read my posts, despite the signed waiver about permanent brain damage.  (By the way, a “when do I get my $20?” doesn’t constitute a real signature.)  For those misguided 3.6 people – congratulations!  Thanks to your support, according to WordPress stats on search terms leading to my blog,  you are now following the fattest Chinese lotus blossom with the most enviable collection of granny panties in China.

Flower and candy cane did not come with the panty

Granny, panty, big panties, granny panty, scary granny, granny underwear, mother’s panty drawer, granny knickers, chinese panties, big panty, grannie panties, granny pannies, grandma panties, panty gif, old lady panties, chinese panty, panty pee, shit panties gif, red underwear superstition, granny pantys, granny underpants, granny in underwear, panty granny, panties gif, granny undies, grannys pantys, granny pantie, grandma pee, grannypanties, granny diaper, crinkley panties, panty gifs, granny panties, granny in diaper, panty fetish,, granny panty fetish, granny in knickers, chinese new year underwear, gifs panty pee, pee panty, white granny panties, not ashamed of granny panties, grannies panties, old-lady panties,, old granny in pants, good luck cny red panties on, china panty, grandma underwear, panties granny, granny poanties pictures chinese new year red underwear, underwear men fat belly bear, grannys panty, granny panty websites, gif panties, chinese panties granny, amway ladies panty, granny-panty, panty, pics of hips in penty, chinese granny in panties, big grannies in panties pics.
Image from:More a Tweet Than a Post: Happy Chinese New Year!

Now before I accept this honor – which I’ll put right next to the prize I found in the Cracker Jack box and that thing that fell out of the homeless guy’s mouth – I have to commend my fellow bloggers who have thoughtfully and consistently maintained their blogs for years.  I’ve obviously not learned a damn thing from them, but you can see who these hard-working people are on my Awards & Blogroll page.

In the two years since I’ve started this blog,

a)  my mother’s threatened me with a defamation lawsuit after reading Lies My Superstitious Chinese Mother Told Me and the Longevity Panties, Teaching My Elderly Chinese Parents the Computer, Hells Bells Palsy: The Symptoms of a Chinese Mother and Adventures in Absentmindedness, though fortunately with time she’s forgotten that I actually have a blog.

b)  a non-blogger wrote that after reading Why I’m Still Sarcastically Single Part One: Steak he was inspired to ask me to a non-steak dinner during his visit to China.  He said that he had a wife – in much the same manner as one would say one has pimple on his ass – implying that he wasn’t interested in me in that way.  If I was weirded out by his invite, I could bring “a friend” to this dinner.  His only request was that I not blog about him – because, of course, we can all figure out who this person is by his temporary email address which begins with the word doppelganger – probably the most searched term on the internet after chunky monkey, granny panties and poo.

c)  none of my so-called friends reads my blog.  Sure, they subscribe with an email address and get my posts, but when asked whether they caught my latest piece, they’ll ask me whether I’ve got that $100 they lent me last year, or when am I going to haul away the crap I’ve stored in their garages now that I’ve moved back.

Yes, you’ve read that right.  Since 2011 I’ve been moving back to North America in bits and pieces and settling into the routines of a “civilized” western society.  Just last week Amazon.com asked me to respond to a question somebody had posted about these thick rubber cushion-y furniture floor protectors I’d purchased over a month ago.  The protectors were 4″ x 4″ x 1/2″ thick and were heavy duty enough to stop the casters on my bed from rolling around on the hardwood floor, so that I wouldn’t wake up with my legs hanging out of the window.

The questionWould they (floor protectors) still work if i were to stack them 2 deep? I am looking for something that will lift my sofa about an inch or so also…

hese things are soft and pliable, like cushions. Even if a cushion is 5" thick, when you sit on it or put something heavy on it, the weight will compress the cushion. These grips are for keeping furniture from moving around, not for elevating furniture.

My answerNO.  These things are soft and pliable, like cushions. Even if a cushion is 5″ thick, when you put something heavy on it, like a pink bowling ball and a bucket of fried chicken, the weight will compress the cushion, causing the thickness to decrease.  If you plan to use these for your sofa, the weight of the sofa will compress the protectors, so they’re no longer 1/2″ thick.  If you sit on the sofa – which is what most people do – you’ll be adding further weight to the furniture protectors. Over time, the protectors will also lose its natural cushioning, so even if you managed to stack enough protectors to a height of 1″ they will not stay that way for long.

These grips are for keeping furniture from moving around and for protecting the floor, not for elevating furniture.  There are products specifically for elevating furniture on Amazon.com:  Raise Its. It has the dual function of elevating your furniture and protecting the floor at the same time.

Good luck with your furniture elevation/floor protection.

Surprisingly, out of all the shiny happy respondents, who were so gung ho that the pads would work if stacked two or three together, I was the only one who questioned whether the laws of gravity and weight might possibly affect the thickness of the floor protectors.  Not surprisingly, my answer was the only one that was not rated as HELPFUL. I’m sure if there was a BITCHY rating I would’ve gotten that.  It was probably the combination of the pink bowling ball and the bucket of fried chicken comment, which may have been misconstrued, though I’ve been known to have a bucket of fried chicken once in a while, but I don’t bowl – at least not in public and not with a bowling ball.  People who answer questions on Amazon seem very polite and helpful, and I should’ve chosen a more politically/socially-correct food, like no-MSG Chinese take out or gluten-free vegetarian pizza.  However, as Amazon’s been pestering me to rate things I purchased five years ago and sometimes no longer have, it’s hard to put a positive spin on these products.

But frankly, all I can think of as I get these emails from Amazon to post reviews and respond to inane questions is – after eight years of living and working in China drinking hideous Chinese rice wine, eating chicken gizzards, arguing with the customer service at every bank I’ve been to, dealing with my leaky condo, den mothering my employees and humoring my clients…has it really come down to this: harassing innocent shoppers on Amazon and poking fun at their frivolous consumerism?  Here was this poor woman – maybe a senior citizen who can’t easily get up from a sofa of standard height and whose sofa slides around like a penguin in heat on ice – asking a sincere and perplexing question – and I’m accusing her of being some lazy person who has a pink bowling ball for a companion and a bucket of the Colonel’s secret recipe for dinner.  Sarcasm in China seemed necessary; sarcasm on Amazon might get me banned from Prime membership or  worse – free standard shipping.

As Lostnchina.com enters its third year with me no longer in China I’m not sure what future posts will be.  But at least, I still have six draft posts in the works, and if I ever need further inspiration there’s still this catalog of pictures from China:

A chorus of fish heads from a restaurant in Guangdong.

Search terms: china fish heads, a chorus of fish heads, fish head soup, cold fish, small fish heads, stinky fish heads, a jury of fish heads, fish out of water, salmonella waiting to happen, a fine kettle of fish, fish heads fish heads, roly poly fish heads, fish heads fish heads, eat them up, YUM!

Heather, I'm still waiting for you to tell me what this bug is!!

Search terms: china bug on my linen laying eggs, big scary bug, green eggs but no ham, big bug, took me five minutes to scrape the @#$( eggs off of my clean sheets, china stinkbug, can’t you lay your *&%$& eggs on a tree like everyone else?
Heather, I’m still waiting for you to tell me what this bug is!!

A woman who takes her work - paper cutting tomorrow's handouts - to the bar of a TGIF in Taipei.

Search terms: woman using paper cutter at a bar in taipei, woman and paper cutter out on the town, single asian woman on a date with a paper cutter, paper cutters are easy, women are not, meet your next match on papercutters4love.com,  paper cutters better in bed, but terrible at conversation, the chinese lorena bobbit

Main course at a wedding in Guangdong - roast piglet.

Search terms: roast pig auspicious chinese wedding first course, must have roast pig at chinese wedding whether you want to or not, lucky chinese pig – luck for eater, not for pig, this little piggy never made it wee wee wee all the way home, new meaning to the term PIG OUT, hey! these maraschino cherries belong in my manhattan

Yes, really - silkworm pupae!

Search terms: fried silkworm pupae, tired of steak? silkworm pupae make a great high protein meal, silkworm pupae don’t taste anything like chicken, when confronted with fried silkworm pupae you’ll be wishing for the roast pig option, warning: fried silkworm pupae will cause you to make abrasive comments to old ladies on Amazon.com

23 comments on “The Overly Self-Indulgent, Absolutely Optional Non-Anniversary Anniversary Search Term Post

  1. gallivance.net
    September 9, 2013

    Now THAT’s the way to celebrate an anniversary Susan! I was keeping it together until I got to the paper cutter – or was it the stink bug – before I totally cracked up. 🙂 I think year #3 will be golden – surprisingly we’re just heading into our third year too. Should be fun! ~Terri

    Like

    • lostnchina
      September 9, 2013

      Thanks for the wishes, Terri. And congrats on your third year, too! You know it’s not easy keeping up a blog for several years, especially with all the great pictures and destinations you guys have. The paper cutter – I’m intrigued by this woman, but was afraid to talk with her…I’m thinking I’ll up the ante by bringing a chainsaw next time and maybe she’ll approach me. Good idea? 😦

      Like

  2. bronxboy55
    August 12, 2013

    You know how much I love your blog. Still, in this case I wish I had just read the text and skipped the pictures. (I loved the paper-cutter caption, though.)

    Congratulations on this milestone, Susan. It’s been three years of brilliance.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      September 9, 2013

      Thank you, Charles. I honestly don’t know how you do it with your writing week after week!

      Like

  3. Pingback: Vivian and I are Having a Baby! | lostnchina

  4. Nice! I haven’t heard the Fish Heads song in a while. You brought it back!!!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      August 1, 2013

      May it now play in your head all day like it did mine and drive you insane as it did me.

      Like

  5. Ese' s Voice
    July 31, 2013

    I am glad you haven’ t lost your sense of humour and ability to hit a nail right on the head in the first 2 years of blogging and I have a very strong feeling (hope!) that you won’t get short of them also in the third one. Fortunately! 🙂

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 31, 2013

      Thanks for your kind words, Ese. You know what they say, the third one’s the charm. Hopefully, it will be for me, too!

      Like

  6. Snoring Dog Studio
    July 30, 2013

    We bloggers welcome you back with open arms. Please leave those photos behind. And thoroughly check your luggage for larvae. We’ve got our own huge issues with roaches here.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 30, 2013

      Just bought a several-gallon sized insect repellant at the Home Depot yesterday. Fruit flies in the kitchen, Yellowjackets living under my front porch, spiders in the basement, and an earwig just revealed itself to me from the dahlia bouquet on my desk. Thanks, but I’ll take inert larvae any day.

      Like

      • Snoring Dog Studio
        July 31, 2013

        Ugh. Yellowjackets are a bad guest.

        Like

  7. expatlingo
    July 30, 2013

    Smartphones are very useful as a means of looking busy and avoiding eye-contact with weirdoes in bars and on public transit. Having recently acquired a smartphone, I too am now saved the embarrassment of making accidental eye contact with strangers.

    Had I realized that I could have simply acquired a paper cutter to fulfill the same function, I’d still be using my Sony Ericsson from 2007.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 30, 2013

      Yeah, but a 2007 Sony Ericsson you can fit in your purse, a paper cutter….

      Like

  8. americantaitai
    July 30, 2013

    What a collection of hilarious photos! Good to have you back! Civilized Western Society: 1; China: 0 As this is the case, don’t do anything to jeopardize your Amazon Prime membership. Free shipping is non-negotiable!!!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 30, 2013

      Thanks, Angela! It’s just such a refreshing change to be in a place that encourages you to have an opinion about something – good or bad – instead of a place that doesn’t give a crap. But you don’t want to piss off Amazon. Where else would I get my e-books??!!

      Like

  9. becomingcliche
    July 30, 2013

    My bug person says it’s either a shield bug or a stink bug. Which you already knew. Glad to be of prompt service!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 30, 2013

      Thank you, Heather! Well, I should’ve known anyway after scouring the internet on this. Been hoping for something “more exotic”, but given my history…stinkbug it is!

      Like

  10. WSW
    July 30, 2013

    Posting a picture of me at the topless beach to get even for the back fat photo, Susan? Well done. Next time I’ll have the waxer work her way around. So much for the “if you can’t see the hair on your back it’s not really there” approach. Happy anniversary!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 30, 2013

      Actually, I thought I was the monkey in the front and center and you’re the one off to the side saying, “You want me to take HOW MUCH off the back?! Girl, you’re not paying me enough bananas!”

      Like

  11. becomingcliche
    July 30, 2013

    You have the best search terms!

    I’m still waiting to hear about the bug. But I’m investigating!

    Like

  12. Rain
    July 30, 2013

    I had to steal your monkey pic to post as my new profile picture on one social networking site or the other. I have gained 23 lbs in three months in the USA. I am going back to Asia, where I expect (or hope) to lose all of that in about the first month. I can’t wait to be able to wear my clothes again!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 30, 2013

      May the fat loss be with you! Actually, in recent years I’ve not lost as much weight as I thought I would in Asia. Maybe it’s all that silkworm pupae. Stay away from it! It’s deceivingly high calorie!

      Like

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