lostnchina

…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row

Nigerian Bank Scam 2.0 – Part 1

central bank of nigeria CHECK

Anyone with an email address has seen it all before – Azubuike Onyekachi is the only employee with the Central Bank of Nigeria who has any knowledge of and the power to distribute – to yours truly – a staggering sum of US $35,700,000.00, which was left in his care after your mysterious relative died in a sudden plane crash over Lesotho.  (Nobody but you knows about this death, as the plane was reportedly carrying a shipment of African thumb pianos, which were made in China.)

As you’re trying to come up with the name of the relative who’d trade the safety of his/her job as a bait-shop proprietor/self-absorbed blogger/distributor of Hello-Kitty brand anti-embolism stockings for the uncertainty of Nigeria, another email comes in.  Why, it’s Ed Hawkins from Tri-Vista Designs!  He wants to BUY! BUY! BUY! all of the items your catalog has to offer, without even knowing what your company sells.  But there’s no time to think about such details now.  We’re talking container shiploads, baby.  You snooze you lose.

But wait!  Anthony Rehman, using Edwin Becker’s email – aka. Morgan Hawkins at Brown University (morgan.hawkins@brown.edu) – is now sending you greetings from sexy Sao-Paulo (ie. Brazil).  Anthony has learned of your company name from a *client* and also wants to BUY!  BUY!  BUY!  Do you ship to Nigeria (via Brazil)?  How many anti-embolism stockings fit into a 40-foot container?  Can he use a credit card for this order?  The transaction will be conducted through the Central Bank of Nigeria, YES.  But sorry, NO.  There’s no Azubuike Onyekachi employed there.

Nigerian bank scammers points of interest.

Nigerian bank scammers points of interest.

Whether it’s the classic Nigerian bank scam or the new generation of business scams, you have to give credit to those tireless scammers, who send out their massive tuna nets hoping to catch an unlucky few.  If you’ve not had the happy privilege to come across a Nigerian bank scammer, this post will help you identify the best of them.  Starting with…

The Classic

From: Thomas Mark [mailto:thomasmark1950@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 19, 2013 5:44 AM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

Did you receive my notification message regarding the passing away of your family member?

I await your reply

Regards,
Thomas Mark

***

From: lostnchina
Sent: Wednesday, June 19, 2013 8:23AM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

NO!

Who passed away and who in Buddhaland are you?

Happy Regards,

Susan Chow ‘Der

***

From: Thomas Mark [mailto:thomasmark1950@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 19, 2013 11:08 AM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

Dear Susan,

l am Barrister Thomas Mark,an attorney to late engineer Robert Chow , who  died in fatal car accident and left behind a deposit of US$10.2Million in a bank.

I hereby seek your consent to present you as the next of kin since you have the same last name .

looking forward to hear from you.

Regards,
Thomas Mark

***

From: lostnchina
Sent: Monday, June 24, 2013 8:54 AM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

Hi Tom (you don’t mind I call you Tom, reminds me of my diceased tarantula, Tommy),

It happen we got e-strangled Uncle Robert “Luo-Buo” (蘿蔔) Chow ‘Der die in New England under mystery condition of clam-fishing off coast  Manhattan.  You like clam, Buddy?  It no taste like chicken. It no taste like tarantula too.

Anyway, Luo-Bo’s electric engineer background cannot save to him from Big electric iPod Death .   His ear buds fall inside water and his ears too and something something and he slide inside water to die ASAP from electric shock, but it no electricslide.  Lawsuit to Apple pending this season’s clam harvest.

Toverify it’s same man and not tarantula, can you answer question for us?

1.  How old he at death?  He’sreally dead, right? 🙂

2.  What color his eyes?  Do they cross?

3.  Doi he have something on him at time of death?  Sometime he wear nosegay of poson ivy.

Oodles of Toodles!

Susan Chow ‘Der

***

From: Thomas Mark [mailto:thomasmark1950@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, June 24, 2013 10:53 AM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

Dear Susan ,

Thanks for your email. I am  happy to receive your response in regards to the mutual business proposal.   After the death of Robert Chow , I tried all my best to locate his direct family but all my efforts were in vain.  Now, Bank has mandated me to present the next of kin to my late client otherwise his funds will be transferred into government account as unclaimed deposit.Actually, the part you are required to take in this transaction is risk free and it can never endanger you position in any way. First of all I will have to send to you the text of application which you have to fill and send to the bank, making reference to the account number and inquiring on how to have your late Uncle’s or brother fund transferred to your account, which will be contained in the application.After the bank must have received the application from you, in turn they will have to send to you the bank questionnaire, on the questionnaire you have to answer the necessary information as required from the bank. The information supplied by you will be used to determine your true position as the  bonafide next of kin to the deceased customer.  All the information required will be relayed to you by me, if the information supplied to the bank are genuine, then the bank will sign the approval for the release and transfer of the fund to your given account.Send the following information’s to me so that i can draft and send to you, the text of the application which you will send to the bank requesting them to release the deposit to you.Your full names……..
Occupation…….
Age……..
Telephone……..
Address……
Please, do respond back as soon as possible. + 228 9097 08 37 is my direct number.
Regards,
Thomas Mark

***

From: lostnchina
Sent: Tuesday, June 25, 2013 3:47 PM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

Hey, Tommy Tarantula,

As you know, its impossible to give you my info if cannot confirm detail oaf my uncle.  Surely there are many ones with name Robert Chow which I must confirmation the name.  We Chows have common name like “Chow Mein” or “Chow Bella”.  But my Father have foursight to add Der so we no more sound Chinese but very German.  (ie. Der Heimlich Maneuver”, Der Banjo) as Chinese no so welcome as string cheese in Amerika…So pls to let me know–

His age
Place at time of death

As Barrister I think you must have this info.  Look forward to yr soonest reply.

Suppositorily yours,

Susan Chow -Der

***

From: Thomas Mark [mailto:thomasmark1950@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 26, 2013 1:27 AM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

Dear Susan,

Actually, you may or not related to Late Robert Chow but I want to present you to the bank as the next of kin since they have given mandate to present the next of kin to my client otherwise the will credit the funds into government account as unclaimed deposit.

You see, next of kinship is not limited to relations of the deceased, nor is it confided to the circuit of parental relationship, rather it is by choice of the benefactor as regards to whom he wish to will it to (Beneficiary) either formally by write up, or in formally by secret information disclosure to beneficiary be Him/Her business partner, relation, Kinsmen, or friends or well wishers, therefore by virtue of the above stated, you can claim to be the next of kin of the deceased.

He was born on the 5th of march 1951. he died here in Togo, West Africa.

Kindly send me the details so I can start the process of the claim.

Regards,
Thomas

***

From: lostnchina
Sent: Saturday, July 13 2013 9:14 PM
To: thomasmark1950@gmail.com
Subject: Hello

This is Ground Control to Major Tom,

I am confusion about qualifications for recieve monies and especially Kinsmen who have no relations with me but Jesus singalong group from KY.  (ATtach pic).

kinsmen

Your Kinsmen, not mine.

You say you look hard for Robert Chow kin but now you say It seem anybody can be kin to Robert Chow ‘Der, which make no sense.  My English not so good but your logic is no Spock and no wonder you no find kin of Robert Chow.  For $10.2 million I can give you logic lesson for better Nigerian bank scam, in future you cheat better.  For naother $10.2 million I post your email on blog.  You famous now.

Happy Regards,

Susan Chow -Der

18 comments on “Nigerian Bank Scam 2.0 – Part 1

  1. Pingback: That moment when you will never see something in quite the same way… | K.E. Wilkinson

  2. Pingback: Nigerian Bank Scam 2.0 – Part Two | lostnchina

  3. expatlingo
    July 18, 2013

    “Poison Ivy Nosegay.” You are killing me!

    Thanks for the late night laugh you’ve granted me while visiting middle-middle-middle America (Zion/The Beehive State/Utah). Seattle: how I miss you. Hong Kong: how I long to see you and your gun/religion-free shores.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 18, 2013

      Utah is a very cool state. I once drove up from Phoenix through Lake Powell, Bryce, the Narrows and finally to SLC. Plenty of opportunities for nosegay of poison ivy (I’ll admit I just like the word NOSEGAY). It’s funny about the guns and the religion, though. I’ve never seen a country like the US where you can just get a gun at a Walmart, along with your diapers. Hong Kong is more superstitious than religious, but you’ll never catch anyone insisting that you burn incense to ward off evil spirits, or else you’re an evil spirit yourself.

      Like

  4. WSW
    July 16, 2013

    Hey Susan, I think that guy with the cheesy mustache in the center of the photo is my third cousin twice-removed, Dirk Slattern. Can I get in on the action?

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 16, 2013

      So glad you asked, Wendie! Let me check with Tommy Tarantula to see if you can get in on the cut. What can you offer in return? I’m thinking t-shirts with, “I’ve Just Been Scammed By Slattern”, has a nice ring to it.

      Like

  5. Snoring Dog Studio
    July 15, 2013

    I have to wonder if any of these letters has ever worked. Here in the U.S., it goes on in different forms – ever get on a mail order catalog list? Dear gawd – they are relentless.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 16, 2013

      The mail order catalogs just do not stop! I recently signed up for commercial insurance and am now getting junk mail for commercial re-fi, etc. The NIgerian thing does get a few people here and there, one of my clients being one.

      Like

  6. gingerfightback
    July 15, 2013

    Brilliant! But I detect cynicism in your view – I was approached by a very nice lad from Nigeria in a similar vein, gave him my details and now live in a paddling pool which I turn upside down at night to keep the elements out. Apart from that it all went very well. Togo is a nice place as well. Change the last letter to a and you get the clothes Romans wore!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 16, 2013

      I’m sorry Cynicism reared its ugly head in my emails. The possibility of acquiring waterfront property has always eluded me, and you’re living example of how this is achievable the Nigerian way. Unfortunately, the largest thing I have that’s anything similar to your pool is a plastic water cooler that can accommodate 10 bottles of Chinese rice wine or two dozen Guiness Stout. However, I’m confident that, if I learn the techniques of my ancestors (ie. Contortion) I, too, can fit into the water cooler…with room for a few bottles of rice wine! Party as Susan’s this weekend!

      Like

  7. becomingcliche
    July 15, 2013

    I want the Hello Kitty stockings. One gross, please.

    No electricslide? I am sad for him.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 15, 2013

      I know exactly what you mean, Heather. Electricslide much more preferable to electric iPod death. May he RIP.

      Like

  8. Ese' s Voice
    July 15, 2013

    😀 Your post made me smile! So familiar emails…I usually wonder who could fall for something like that. I know people are different but these kind of scams have been around already for quite some time so… just insane!

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 15, 2013

      Thanks for reading. I know! The Nigerian Bank Scam is as old as my pedicure and yet it keeps coming back like a bad haircut! I had a client (In California) who did send these people her bank account info (yes, I know…and why didn’t I think to raise my prices to her 50%)… luckily, she caught it in time. But you just never know.

      Like

  9. dasbeard2013
    July 15, 2013

    I’m not sure you played this one right. The Nigerian bank contacted me last week, and they’re gonna send me the full $35 mil next week, as soon as my clearing fee of £10,000 is deposited in the bank. So think you messed up there.

    Like

    • lostnchina
      July 15, 2013

      If you believe you’ll get something from the Nigerian bank then can I interest you in some anti-embolism Hello Kitty stockings?

      Like

      • dasbeard2013
        July 15, 2013

        Unfortunately DVT caused me an embolism, on the long distance flight to Abuja, when I dropped off the cheque.

        Like

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This entry was posted on July 15, 2013 by in Humor and tagged , , , , .
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