…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row
In the midst of my Sudafed-induced stupor, I notice these hits to my blog via Kitchen Slattern‘s site. And since I worship the woman to the point where it’s freaking her out and driving her to drink – yeah, if you only knew – I thought I’d take a look.
As it turned out, I’d been nominated for a 7×7 Link Award – and NO, we’re not talking about that guy I had one date with several weeks ago. (That’s the 7×7 DINK Award).
I had nominated Ms. Kitchen Slattern for a Versatile Blogger award several weeks ago: the woman can drink and write and cook and write and then drink some more – she is the consummate multi-tasker. If I only had half the liver she’s got….
While I was about to launch into my pithy acceptance speech, I received another nomination from none other than Mr. Marymuthafuckingpoppins for a Versatile Blogger award (my second one). Mr. MMFP is someone I’m nominating as one of my 7×7 Link Award recipients. (You could say that we’re a happy, incestuous bunch around here).
When I first started reading Mr. MMFP’s blog several months ago, I thought he was a VERY angry woman…till I realized he was a sarcastic, funny and thinking guy. This really says a lot more about ME than it does about him.
His latest post is about the beneficial effects of sugar and features pictures of some the sugary desserts he’s made. Kitchen Slattern, Mr. MMFP and I should get together and have a raucous dinner party. I don’t cook or drink as well as these two do, but I could provide the entertainment: I do a great impression of a Chinese woman who thinks she’s Chinese, but just turns out to be haphazardly westernized. And she blogs about it.
The 7×7 Link Award is similar to the Versatile Blogger, in that I have to pay it forward by nominating 7 other sites. I also have to tell you 7 things about myself you don’t want to know and then choose one of my posts for each for the following categories: Most Surprisingly Successful, Most Underrated, Most Popular, Most Beautiful, Most Helpful, Most Controversial and Most Pride-Worthy.
So, instead of responding to both nominations separately I’m going to combine them it into one and abide by the rules of the 7×7 Link Award, as I’ve already done the Versatile Blogger in an earlier post. I’ll also have a separate page listing the kind, but misled souls who recommended me for the awards and my award nominees.
PART 1: Seven Things About Myself
I took this part to another level by asking my so-called friends to recount one thing about me – good or bad. These are their answers (practically) word-for-word:
1. Amenda, a friend of the family I’ve known since high school:
Just want to know if this is for real or this is boggy email….
(I think she means BLOGGY).
But later, Amenda came to her senses and added:
You’ve had not developed an enjoyment of skiing (regardless the type) even though you are from the Northwest.
2. Grace, my best friend in Taipei for over 20 years:
話說某年某月的某一天，妳 Susan、我 Grace、她 Sandy 三人在位於安和路的都會館一聚…
由於當時妳我太沈迷於它的 long island ice tea，酒一下肚呢，有人就…………………
我們三人剛好坐在靠窗的位子，待酒一下肚之後呢，咱們 Susan 小姐就再也忍不住了…她開始不斷地朝外頭走來走去的路人不斷揮手打招呼，而且還不斷傻笑，非常開心！看得 Sandy 小姐及我都很不好意思，深怕外頭的路人會跑進來打人！真是一個另人驚心的 Ladies Night 啊！
On a certain day of a certain year, you, me and Sandy went to a bar on An-He Road. You and I were enamored by the Long Island Iced Tea and right after you had ONE glass, you….
The three of us were sitting at a table by the window, and right after that glass, Miss Susan couldn’t help herself but wave and holler at the passers-by outside, while giggling non-stop like an idiot. She was very happy!
Sandy and I were very embarrassed; we were afraid the people outside would come in and beat us up.
This was the most memorable Ladies Night we’ve ever had.
Grace is very kind. She left out the part about the midgets in garter belts and the Wesson oil. I think this is because Wesson Oil is difficult to translate into Chinese.
3. Steve, an ex-boyfriend and now close friend I had dated for 20 seconds in early 2000 (but he says it felt more like 6 months):
Remember that time you came back from Taiwan and had dyed your hair red and cut it short? It reminded me of one of those rusty Brillo pads we’d scour the pots and pans with. Your hair was all spiky, dry and red. But I couldn’t tell you, because we were dating at the time, and you’d kill me. But I kept thinking somebody’s gonna come up and ask,
“Hey, buddy. Do the drapes the carpet?”
Yes, I know what you’re thinking – how could I have let this gem slip through my bony Chinese chicken claws? For my next post, I’ll be divulging Steve’s Social Security Number, birth date, credit card number, bank account information and home address.
4. Karl, my best friend in Seattle till he left in the mid-2000s:
Karl: Wasn’t there this mechanic who gave you flowers and a sweet card and fixed your flat tire or burned-out headlight for FREE, and you agonized over how to respond – with a fruit basket or a 6-pack of beer?
Susan: IMPORTED beer, Karl. IMPORTED.
5. Paul, my closest friend in grad school:
Paul: You were the very first person I came out to. It took me hours to get the words out and tell you. I was SO nervous about what you’d think of me afterwards. And you remember what you said?
Susan: Hell yeah, Jesus Christ do I remember! I thought you had GODDAMN CANCER!! It was past 2am. You were so serious and talking in circles. You kept saying you had something important to tell me…I thought you were going to die! I was trying to be so supportive. I had an early class the next day. And after all that you were JUST GAY? Couldn’t it have waited till the morning?!
Forgive him, folks. Paul is born and raised in Salt Lake City, Utah.
6. Annie, my younger sister and only sibling:
i remember the 1st time i met susan. she made me watch starwars and indiana jones 100000 times
Annie, just so you know – that’s not really the first time we met. It’s probably the first memory you have of me, which is ironic, because that’s probably something you’d like to forget about me.
7. None of the friends who gave me these testimonials subscribe to my blog. Fewer read it. When I told carpet-bagger Steve that I’d won several awards for my blog he said, Well, I’ll read it when I get around to it, then called me up the next day to tell me how many hour-long naps he’s been taking lately, because he has nothing better to do.
Part 2: My Seven Posts – Most Surprisingly Successful, Most Underrated, Most Popular, Most Beautiful, Most Helpful, Most Controversial and Most Pride-Worthy posts
Any time a stranger clicks LIKE on my post is a surprise to me. To be nominated for these awards is mind-boggling. I’ve not had this blog for more than six months and haven’t really read a book since 2004. Nothing I’ve written is as good as it should be. The time constraints of a weekly blog and my day job make it difficult to properly review and edit my writing. That’s why all of us bloggers deserve a pat on our backs for punching out those posts the way we do.
So, based on that, my most surprisingly successful post is my first, Lost in Translation, which was also very surprisingly featured on Freshly Pressed a day after it was published. It’s also the most popular.
On the other hand, I could barely write Hallmark Holiday Card Rejects without bursting into side-splitting laughter. But apparently the underwhelming response the post received proved once again that I’ve no idea what the hell I’m talking about.
Hallmark Holiday is also one of my more controversial posts – gay sex, gay porn and drugs. The post was taken out of the WordPress Christmas category shortly after it was published. Some people have no sense of humor. Bahhhh humbug!
Most helpful post: Lies My Superstitious Mother Told Me & the Granny Panties. I’m sure most of my reading audience weren’t aware about this little Chinese New Year custom.
The Time I Wrote a Love Letter to Myself was supposed to have been my most beautiful and pride-worthy post. It’s different from what I usually write. But it turned out a little too long and somewhat bland.
This post was inspired by my recent experience with a guy, which in turn reminded me of the time I was teaching English in Taiwan. So I decided to use the Taiwan experience as a metaphor for what happened with this guy. I used pieces of actual dialogue from our communication and facts that he would know about me throughout the post.
The whole situation seemed like a silly Shakespearean romantic comedy: there were the concurrent but juxtaposing story lines of Benedict and Andy, the confusion over the two very different Olivias, the adolescent infatuations, and the twist in the letter to myself. There is a reference to Shakespeare, and all of the people are named after characters in his plays.
I will be re-working this post many times over, as it has a lot of issues. But I’m most proud of it, because it incorporates some aspects of the fiction writing I did in University, instead of my usual superficial, shoot-from-the-hip posts.
Part 3: Seven Blogs I Nominate
Finally, we get to the sexy part of the post. Disclaimer: I’m not going to get seven blogs. I could barely get ten the first time around with the Versatile Blogger and they wanted fifteen. So, here are my picks. And I’m not going to say anything about them, because the last time I did that with the Versatile Blogger awards, I noticed that not everyone would click on all the links equally. And I want each blogger here to get the exposure he/she deserves: