Hallmark Holiday Card Rejects

Given that it’s the holiday season – the time of year when you receive greeting cards from people you haven’t heard from forever, and you don’t really care whether little Timmy got braces for his horse teeth, or Joe Jack is finally out of prison for sodomizing a loin of pork when it was still attached to the pig – I thought you might appreciate these pictures, which *might* be showing up on your mantle in the near future.

Jean and John Carver with their pet goat,  Lady Baa Baa.

This photo was taken when Omaha’s premiere easy-listening radio station for extra-terrestrials, KZZZ, had a statewide competition for How Many Items of Christmas Clothing Can You Possibly Wear at One Time Without Causing Blindness or Permanent Brain Damage?

The Carvers’ photo was actually disqualified, because they didn’t find out till the last minute that Lady Baa Baa’s Santa hat couldn’t count towards the contest, as the only livestock permitted were cows and horses.

So right before this photo was taken, Mrs. Carver wanted to take off her skirt, which doubles as a table cloth on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and as a bed sheet on Thursdays, when the Carvers have sex in the same bed – the one that doesn’t have the goat.

Mrs. Carver’s plan was to place the Santa hat in front of her crotch in an inverted triangle, so that it could count towards the one item of Christmas clothing.

Unfortunately, the camera went off before Mrs. Carver could go through with her plan.  Mr. Carver was quick enough to hold Mrs. Carver down by placing both hands firmly around her, so that Mrs. Carver didn’t ruined the shot by standing up and taking off her skirt.

After this photo session, Lady Baa Baa was baanished to the baarn.  If it hadn’t been for the goat peeing in her lap, Mrs. Carver wouldn’t have had to change out of her Christmas tree skirt and put on the blue table cloth skirt in the first place.

The Original Biggest and Baddest Santa

In an attempt to find out the story behind Santa’s black eye, I’ve found Phoenix Police Department’s police report on the incident:

Case Number: VT 05/04/11/3462

Incident: Attempted Vehicle Theft, Possession of Narcotics with Intent to Sell, Indecent Exposure, Loitering, the Sale of Pirated DVDs and fake Luis Vuitton shoulder bags, Soliciting a Wooden Buddha Statue for Sex at the All-you-can-eat Big Buddha Belly Chinese Restaurant, Overstaying a Visa Issued in 1975  for 3 Months

Reporting Officer: Constable James Rundle Date of Report: 05 April 2011

At about 1314 hours on 5^th April 2011, I met with Ms. Shirley L. Gilbert at 204 Northeast Redding Street regarding an attempted vehicle theft, indecent exposure, sex solicitation, and the sale of illegal merchandise and narcotics. Ms. Gilbert said she had parked her car by the wooden Buddha statue in front of the All-you-can-eat Big Buddha Belly Chinese Restaurant at about 1202 hours and went into a nearby gun shop to return a faulty handgun she had purchased with the intent to scare her “lazy ass” husband into “doing the goddamn dishes”, which has been “piling up in that motherfucking cesspool of a sink for the last two weeks”.

Ms. Gilbert said that when she returned to her car at about 1300 hours, she discovered  an inebriated man, John O’Roarke, dressed in a Santa suit from the waist up and in his birthday suit from the waist down.

Mr. O’Roarke was asking the wooden Buddha whether it wanted any of that crazy “white stuff”, and if it did Sexy Santa knew a place where they could get a room cheap and hang out, except they’d have to share the room with a twelve-man contortionist troupe from Tianjin, China.

Ms. Gilbert said that this all wasn’t so unusual as the fact that he was carrying a stunning Luis Vuitton bag from the Fall 2014 collection, which wasn’t out in the stores yet.

When Ms. Gilbert approached Mr. O’Roarke to ask about the bag, he panicked, dropped the bag, which revealed a plethora of pirated straight-to-DVD Gay Christmas Pornos, such as “A Badly Assed Santa” and “A Silent Night, But Oh What a Hole-y Night”.

When Ms. Gilbert bent over to pick up the Luis Vuitton bag, Mr. O’Roarke tried to flee in Ms. Gilbert’s car – a 1991 white, four-door, automatic transmission, Honda Civic EX with the license plate BGMAMA.

Since Mr. O’Roarke entered the car’s back seat with the wooden Buddha face down on his lap, Mr. O’Roarke was unable to operate the vehicle and complete the theft.  This frustrated Mr. O’Roarke, who had an altercation with the wooden Buddha that led to the statue falling on top of Mr. O’Roarke and giving him a black eye.  My O’Roarke also stubbed his right toe when he tried to kick the wooden statue.

I conducted a survey of the crime scene and found the following: two copies of Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat, unused cotton balls, a fortune cookie with the message, If you’re reading this, you’re lame, a penny, and Santa costume pants.

I obtained a sworn statement from Ms. Gilbert and provided her with the case number and Information Leaflet 10/07 (“What to do when you return to your car, find an inebriated, half-naked Santa acting ludely with a wooden Buddha in front of a Chinese restaurant, while trying to peddle drugs and LV bags, and then attempts to steal your car”).

I arrested Mr. O’Roarke for indecent exposure, attempting to solicit an inanimate object for sex, peddling narcotics to a statue, and the possession of pirated gay Christmas pornos and fake LV bags.

When we arrived at the station, Captain O’Mallory’s children were visiting and insisted on having a picture taken with Santa.  As a result, Mr. O’Roarke’s mugshot also contains Captain O’Mallory’s children, Tim, age 9, Tabatha, age 8, and Jeremy, age 11.

Addendum:

Upon performing a routine a check of Mr. O’Roarke’s name in our database, we found that Mr. O’Roarke has also overstayed his visitor’s visa, which had expired in May 1975.  Mr. O’Roarke was unable to provide documentation showing his current legal status in the United States, as is now required by Arizona Immigration Law SB1070.

As a result, Mr. O’Roarke will be deported to Mexico, even though he is originally from Ireland and speaks no Spanish.

Santa Claus relaxing on a sunny July afternoon at Venice Beach, CA

For those of you wondering what Santa does the 364 days he’s not dispensing toys to the children of the world, you may find him shirtless in his cut-offs and ski boots hanging out in Venice Beach, California.

Like a woman who might forego shaving her legs, if she’s not dating anyone at the moment, Santa just likes to relax and let it all hang out when it’s not December 25.

But Santa still keeps very busy throughout the year; Santa selflessly devotes his time and energy towards such worthy causes, as “Loofah for the Lonely” and periodically donates his body hair towards the production of Brillo pads for the needy.

It’s also a little known fact that the much-publicized “Macaroni & Cheese Till You Drop to Your Knees” for the homeless would not have taken place had it not been for Santa graciously stepping in at the last minute, generously offering his body as a human cheese grater, when the commercial-grade grater famous chef, Emeril, brought to the event could not keep up with the stresses of grating over 500lbs of cheese.

Although Santa smelled horribly of sharp cheddar for the next two weeks, he felt it was all worthwhile when he saw the scared and confused faces of the children, who complained there was too much hair in their macaroni and cheese.

Ventriloquist Amy Sherling with her dummy, Amy Sherling, circa 1976

If you lived in Boone, Iowa between January 26, 1977 and February 3, 1977, drove an orange, rusty Chevrolet Chevette, went by the name of Eugene Larsson, and married your Filipino third cousin from Philadelphia, who was born into a Catholic family but was raised a Lebanese-Episcopalian, then you might have heard of ventriloquist Amy Sherling and her dummy, Amy Sherling.

Ventriloquist Amy Sherling was on the fast-track to becoming a full-time Head Librarian when she discovered a talent for throwing the voices screaming inside her head outside onto inanimate objects in the library.

She first practiced on the books in the library.  For example, if someone picked up a copy of Moby Dick, the book would start to say in a slow, but high and squeaky voice, Call me Ishmaaaaeeeel.

Despite her quiet demeanor and grace, ventriloquist Sherling was most fond of Kurt Vonnegaut’s gritty and realistic writing and would often quote him in dummy Sherling’s voice, without being prompted:

In my prison cell I sit,
With my britches full of shit,
And my balls are bouncing gently on the floor,
And I see the bloody snag
When she bit me in the bag.
Oh I’ll never fuck a Polack any more.
– Slaughterhouse 5, Chapter 7

Unfortunately, the ventriloquist Sherling and dummy Sherling met an untimely death at a Red Lobster one fateful day in March 1979.  According to eye witnesses, the dummy Sherling wanted the all-you-can-eat Shrimp Feast, but ventriloquist Sherling was severely allergic to shellfish.  Ventriloquist Sherling then accused her dummy of being a “diva” and signing a tell-all book deal with Simon and Schuster behind her back.

When the police and paramedics arrived, it was too late.  Ventriloquist Sherling had drowned dummy Sherling in a vat of lime jello, but not before dummy Sherling was able to drag ventriloquist Sherling head first into the day-old all-you-can-eat shrimp display.

Although ventriloquist Amy Sherling had a very brief professional career, she will be forever remembered for coining the popular phrase, If I had a quarter for every time I fell on my head and blacked out for a few moments, I’d be a rich bitch by now. 

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