…because not all of us have our Peking ducks in a row

The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Your Profile Picture

My Dear Begirdled and Betrodden Sisters,

In my last post of the Sarcastic Woman dating series, I touched upon the importance of a thoughtfully-written and highly-fibrous online dating profile that won’t cause your suitors to have spontaneous miscarriages of their spleens.  Today, I dwell even further into the sensitive topic of your online profile picture.

love -russian 3

Ekoli Ekonovich
Likes: Walks on the beach, holding breath, shiny pants, fabric-covered furniture shaped like corpses and body parts.
Nationality: Earth.
Source: Some Russian dating site

A picture may speak a thousand words, but you don’t want to subject your suitors to an incurable bout of verbal diarrhea.  A well-chosen profile picture set among a tasteful and familiar background will convey the kind of person you think you are when you’re drunk.  But if you’re confused about how to put your best face forward, here are some tips for making your profile picture as memorable as a colonoscopy:

1.  Choose a Backdrop that Everyone’s Familiar With

In the above picture, Ekoli demonstrates a common theme found in online profile pictures – the nondescript nylon rug that covers decades worth of grease stains and rat feces.

love -russian 3a

Source: The same Russian dating site.

Building on the carpet theme, we can see it echoed in other online profile pictures:

love - carpet1

Source: WeUsedToBeCommunistAndItShows.org

Of course, the pitfall of posing in front of a busy pattern is getting lost in the picture.  That’s why wearing something like a blood-red murderer’s mask, floral lace stockings or a fat suit that makes you look like a homeless Martian will help you stand out from the crowd.  Who do you think achieves this better in the above picture?

2.  The Way to a Guy’s Heart is Through his Stomach

In his epic study, “Wama-Llama’s Ding Dong”,  renowned Russian psychotherapist and ten-time hot-dog-eating champion, Dr. Igor Ivgotanitch, claimed that llamas from South America, like North American men, become aroused at the sight of all foods, certain yard implements, and American football.  After studying 1,000 men, 1,000 llamas, and 10,000 women (12.3111111 women out of 10 fell asleep while watching Sunday Football, thereby necessitating a larger sample of women for the study), Dr. Ivgotanitch concluded that,

…ees clearrr men more zan ze vemens arrre stimuLAted and not just vy ze zeep fried foods, but alzo in ze IN-an-I-mate objects d’dezires, zuch as ze Zumba, ze Zoloft…und ze zabaglione.  Zom men do not know ze difference in meaning between ze IN-AN- I-MATE and ze IN-TI-MATE, which may be ze reazons for ze vast confusions….

Sadly, Dr. Ivgotanitch was institutionalized and stripped of his credentials in 2007 for (a) posing as an unqualified gynecologist; and, (b) faking his accent which was more Conan the Barbarian than it was Russian.  It was later revealed that Dr. Ivgotanitch was really Antoine LaFontaine from Brooklyn, NY, who often went by his street name of Sparky.

Sarcastic Picture Food StimulusKeeping Dr. Ivgotanitch’s findings in mind, we can better appreciate the raw animal sexuality depicted in the following pictures:

love - russian1

Beer, bread, a  bunch of crap, a watermelon and a babe in a bikini. This woman won’t be single for long.

love - russian2

No hot sauce needed.

The fruits on the table could be easily substituted for...

These fruits on the table could be easily substituted with…

head on platter

Insert your ( ) here.

3.  Borrow from Pop Culture

For those who are dating from afar, such as China or Russia, having a picture with a reference to the pop culture of your destination country will help you better relate to people from that country.  Take, for example,

love - forrest

A new China – with two sets of yellow highway markers to counteract the terrible traffic – all displayed against the backdrop of the Arizonan desert.

Of course, the more observant among you will notice that this scene was inspired by…

forrest runningIn order to appeal to a wider audience, we would suggest adding the following to the online profile picture:

lovejpg - shrek

Where’s Donkey when you need him?

28 comments on “The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Your Profile Picture

  1. Pingback: The Sarcastic Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Your Profile Picture | vadivelkannu

  2. Pingback: Happy Things | Becoming Cliche

  3. bronxboy55
    December 23, 2013

    Thanks for another great post, Susan. Although I could have done without that watermelon picture.

  4. Susannah Ailene Martin
    December 17, 2013

    Wow. That’s slightly terrifying. These people actually think a dating site will help them?

    • lostnchina
      December 17, 2013

      Help them become viral? Yes. I think some of these pictures have made the rounds of internet weirdness.

  5. homemadeinhk
    December 16, 2013

    hahaha, these pics are freakin hilarious!

    • lostnchina
      December 17, 2013

      Thanks for stopping by and for commenting. Love your gravatar, btw. Oink.

      • homemadeinhk
        December 17, 2013

        homemade food requires a homemade gravatar haha!

  6. americantaitai
    December 15, 2013

    Gah!!! Wow, what a treasure trove of online dating profile photographs! I agree w/Jen, you’ll have to point us towards your final project once complete! :) Hilarious. Now I must try to pick myself up from the floor after laughing so hard! :)

    • lostnchina
      December 17, 2013

      Hey! It’s so weird, on Friday (13th) I was thinking, “I haven’t seen Angela’s posts for a while”, since you’re always so diligent about posting on Fridays. Then BOOM I see you’ve got a post and you read mine. This time, I’ll channel my psychic abilities to winning the lotto jackpot. Hope you’re enjoying your *quiet* holiday time!

      PS: Believe me, you don’t want to see the final project. I can’t really post about it anyway on here, and my *employer* is also a follower of this blog. All I can say is white older men and young, nubile Asian women is a very desirable demographic on this site.

  7. katechiconi
    December 14, 2013

    You didn’t mention facial hair. There’s some super-creative facial hair out there, to the extent I’m not sure the photos are of a human being…

    • lostnchina
      December 17, 2013

      You know, come to think of it, I’m not sure those people are human, either. But…I guess you’d have to date them to find out! I look forward to your post on that.

      • katechiconi
        December 17, 2013

        I feel sure the Husband would have something to say about that, even if I pointed out that it was purely in the interests of science… SO not going to happen!

  8. becomingcliche
    December 14, 2013

    Laughed til I choked. On watermelon.

    • lostnchina
      December 17, 2013

      There is an easier way to ingest watermelon without striking such a painful pose. Personally, I like to put on a bikini that’s two sizes too small for me, immerse myself in a bathtub filled with a hundred empty Pabst beer cans and have that Russian guy in the first picture feed me the watermelon with his muscular chest.

  9. New York Cliche
    December 14, 2013

    These pictures are both hilarious and terrifying- perfect for Friday the 13th!

    • lostnchina
      December 17, 2013

      Hey, I didn’t realize it was Friday the 13th till you mentioned it!

  10. Giora
    December 14, 2013

    I trade the stock market for a living and follow Chinese stocks listed on the American stock markets. There is a Chinese dating company trading in the US. Have you heard about them?
    Naturally I can’t read the Chinese on the website. Maybe you can write about them as well. Best wishes from Canada where the weather is now at minus 10 degrees.

    • lostnchina
      December 17, 2013

      HI Giora, Thanks but no thanks on checking out other countries’ dating websites. One can only handle so many bad pictures in one’s lifetime and come out of it mentally unscathed. Thanks for stopping by!

  11. expatlingo
    December 13, 2013

    Did you lose a bet and have to spend 12 hours browsing Russian dating websites? (Alternatively, perhaps these where the first photos you stumbled across on said website?)

    • lostnchina
      December 13, 2013

      How can I put this delicately…I’m currently (being paid, albeit pitifully) to write highly informative and persuasive articles for an online dating site featuring Russian and Chinese women…

      …as I let you get back into the chair that you’ve just fallen out of, I’ll just continue my “research” online….

      • expatlingo
        December 14, 2013

        Ha! Now I’m dying to know more about the topics of your articles!

        • lostnchina
          December 17, 2013

          The topic always is – attracting foreign males to dating websites featuring sexy, eligible women from countries with poor English skills and little western cultural awareness through informative articles extolling the virtues of submissive Chinese and Eastern European women, who want to meet only YOU, because you’re a great person and not some lonely schlub who can touch his belly button with his tongue. Basically, the opposite of what the sarcastic woman preaches. It’s nice to switch hit once in a while, even if I’m striking out most of the time. Thanks also for the shout out in your latest interview. I think Red Banner Sister should get herself a Chinese revolutionary uniform in army green with a carton of milk as her logo. Her child can have a Superman cape with a pair of shorts and tshirt in 20C degree weather.

  12. gingerfightback
    December 13, 2013

    Ivgotanitch didn’t come up to scratch then. Shame. I thought Ekoli was a bit of a dish although if he is anything like his stomach bug cousin the way to his heart may literally leave you lovesick! Brilliant stuff!

    • lostnchina
      December 13, 2013

      Thanks, Jim. Yes, it seems the pool of eligible men is becoming smaller all the time due to their own self-infectious diseases.

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This entry was posted on December 13, 2013 by in Dating, Humor and tagged , , , , , , .

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