The meanderings of a recovering ex-expat with the occasional identity crisis
A few posts back I promised to display my latest Chinese New Year acquisition – the 2012 edition of the Chinese New Year red panty, which my mother sent me via express mail last week.
The candy cane is placed strategically next to the panty to show you what proportions we’re talking about here. This is just a regular candy cane leftover from Christmas, not the giant ones you put on your lawn and hit people with.
The panty measures 23cm (about 9″) at the waistband and 18cm (about 7″) from waistband to crotch – perfect for your medium-sized dog, or stuffed teddy bear.
As you can see, the back of the underwear is spacious enough to discreetly conceal a diaper, or your favorite paperback novel, a bottle of bourbon, and a few pistachio nuts.
Since I don’t have any children, dogs, or stuffed toys, I’m demonstrating the usefulness of this red panty by using my wine and spirits collection.
The underwear also comes in handy as a lampshade, when you and your significant other want to set the mood for that special, sexy evening that involves a box of Franzia, take out from Panda Express, and reruns of Rosanne.
Despite its small size, the underwear is made from extremely stretchable fabric and will probably fit the Jabba the Hut in all of us. I can attest to this, because I tried lobbing some navel oranges across the room with it over the weekend. And they went pretty far.
Now, this marvel of Chinese underwear workmanship can be yours. That’s right! I’m giving away the 2012 edition Chinese New Year panty to the first person who can tell me all twelve animals in the Chinese zodiac and what animal rules 2012.
You have to be the first to tell me all animals in the zodiac sign by leaving it as a COMMENT below. Your answer will be time and date stamped. I will mail this panty, sans flower and candy cane, to whomever gives me the first correct answer.
Disclaimer: This underwear is NOT meant to be worn, as wearing it might be hazardous to your health. When you see it, you’ll agree with me.